the heart is so restless
anxiety forever clawing
i have allowed fear
to swallow me
to steal my peace
i long for stillness
but remain restless
i long for peace
but choose fear
for so long
peace felt absent
there was
wrestling
confusion
there was a season
of stripping bare
there was a lot
that needed to be
stripped from me
for so long i failed
to embrace loneliness:
to sit in the stillness
the absence of other
there is the temptation
to fill our time
to occupy empty places
this is a toxic trait
the illusion of fulfilment
a full schedule
a full social life
this is not to discount
the beauty of community
the call to fellowship
but we cannot mask
confession in cocktails
(cough, cough… past me)
there must be seasons
of saying no
there must be daily
denial of self
but i was not too good
at saying no
to the hustle
to the busy
i was not too good
at alone time
(… despite being
an introvert)
i was in denial
just not the
denial of self
we are called to
i was trying to
occupy every
blank space
to avoid the
a n x i e t y
gnawing inside
i was afraid
to be alone
i was afraid
of my thoughts
i was always
a f r a i d
so i needed
to be
stripped bare
in His kindness
God wanted to
break the chains
holding me
…
God wanted to
set me free from me
…
when anxiety
is all consuming
peace is not
all-encompassing
true peace cannot be stolen,
but peace can be suppressed:
when we bury stillness
when we give life to fears
when we fill the silence with noise
…
listening to anxiety
is silencing peace
listening to fear
is denying faith
how had i allowed
so much fear in me?
when fear enters my being
i allow fear to be my shadow
my insecurity blinds me, binds me
to these chains of fear
how to be free?
God has been teaching me
a lot about brokenness
over the past couple of years
(brokenness met with grace;
stepping into brokenness;
apology for brokenness)
the road to freedom
is paved in brokenness
peace is found in the
eternal restoration
of broken pieces
for peace is not
the absence
of brokenness
but the presence
of wholeness
when the soul is destroyed
when worldly affections are denied
we long for peace
but what we really long for
is the peace
found in His presence
when our longings
are so entangled
in the world
we become restless
seeking to untangle
our desires and affections
when we allow our longings
to be shaped by this world
we are unable to find
true contentment
true peace
true joy
only when our longings
are a mirror of His heart
when our longing is for Him
do our longings
slowly become His longings
how simple it seems
such longings are surely
so pure, so fulfilling
set above, beyond self
yet how simple it is
to fall into the trap
of worldly longings
…
the heart reveals
the true source
of our longings
a restless heart reveals
divided affections
tangled longings
how to be still and enter
into the call to stillness
stillness
is found
in devotion
to want more
of His heart
to want more
of His presence
one cannot be still
in the presence
of restless idols
but resting in God
produces a longing
born of his peace:
a longing for more
of His presence
in all my seasons
of restlessness
i had been so afraid
of loneliness
i settled for
worldly illusions of love
those fleeting attractions
and pursuits that
never held weight
never sustained
i see now that those
were not solutions
for my loneliness
what i really needed
in order to find true rest
was a steadfastness
if i had taken time to be still
i would have identified
in my worldly longings
a desire for steadfast love
steadfast love is just that:
steadfast, steady
a safe place for our hearts
to find peace, to find love
my desire for love was not
a desire for worldly romance but
a desire for his steadfast presence
my longings were longings for Him
i longed for the peace and
steadfastness of His love
the world cannot offer that
our hearts are restless
with desires
and our desires
can only be
steadied by His love
what loneliness reveals
what anxiety unchains
is that deep peace is only
found in steadfast Love
the presence
and permeance
of His love for us
is the only thing
that can free us
the call to stillness
is a call to love
when our hearts
are found in Him
our hearts are
found in Love
to embrace stillness
is to never be alone
when we abandon self
when we surrender our need
for worldly comforts
and withdraw into the quiet:
we find peace
in His presence
he steadies by His Love
he binds us by His Love
he quiets us by His Love
(zephaniah 3:17)
i love that verse in zephaniah
and so does my now-husband
we chose it as one of many verses
to have in our wedding ceremony
we chose it specifically to operate
as a blessing over our union
the notion of being quieted by love
is such a fascinating one,
and so contrasting to the world
we are not called to a loud lust
but to a quiet, steadfast love
we learn from God
the true form of Love
in Jesus we see the
perfect image of devotion:
the sacrificing of life,
in order that we may
partake in the eternal
blessing of God’s presence
without Jesus
we would not be able
to access the
steadfast love and peace
that only comes from
the presence of God
this invitation
into love, into presence
is hard to experience
when we fill those
empty spaces in our lives
with other things
the illusion of presence
is far too easy in our
world of virtual presence
but there is a subtle whisper
in this zephaniah verse
a reminder that presence
may look like absence
absence of distraction
absence of longing
absence of worldly presence
when we deny ourself
and allow ourselves
worldly absence:
freedom
from noise
from busy
from hustle
from doom scrolling
we discover that:
the call to stillness
is also a call to silence
the call to stillness
is a call to presence
and true presence
is only found in
the true absence
of all “other”
when we are invited
to be still, and know God
we are invited to his presence
and we are invited to listen
he longs to quiet us
with his love
to silence
those anxieties
those restless thoughts
those erring desires
to quiet us
by his love
that we may find
true peace
that we may hear
his truth
his voice
his desires
his heart
when we turn to the Word
to find rest
we are invited to be still
and there we see the call
to “keep silence”
to wait for the
Lord to speak
but how quick are we
to seek God’s voice
elsewhere?
to finish, i thought i would share the context for this post:
when i prayed for my word for this year
there was already a word on my heart
but i wanted to search the scriptures
to listen, to hear, to receive direction
and confirmation as to whether or not
this was the word God had for me
s t i l l n e s s
was the word
when i prayed for stillness, i asked
God to enter my heart and my season
and to reveal his heart for me
and when i came to the word
i found a call, not to stillness, but to silence:
“… the Lord is in his holy temple;
let all the earth keep silence before Him”
– habakkuk 2:20 (ESV)
so as i waded into more quiet times
i heeded this call to keep silence,
and to wait for him to speak
my prayer had been to be
found in the stillness of the word
and again, i was met by the call:
“...be silent before the Sovereign Lord,
for the day of the Lord is near”
– zephaniah 1:17 (NIV)
there was a validation, an affirmation
but i was confused because
it seemed God was calling me
to be silent
when i thought he wanted me
to be still
i started to wonder
whether he wasn’t calling me to physical stillness,
but to emotional, mental, spiritual stillness
to quiet my mind
to be silent
to keep silence in His presence
as i continued reading
through the minor prophets
in the old testament
i also started to see themes
around inquiry and seeking
i started to see how the posture
of stillness and silence
is one of readiness:
of willingness to seek God
of desire to inquire after His heart
i received the final confirmation
that my word for the year was not in fact ‘a word’
but a double-edged phrase only yesterday
in zechariah 2:13 (NIV) we read the following:
“be still before the Lord, all mankind,
because he has roused himself from his dwelling”
there: the call to stillness, and to be still
b u t
wait for it
in the ESV translation
we read the following
version of the same text:
“be silent, all flesh, before the Lord, for he
has roused himself from his holy dwelling”
there: the call to silence, and to be silent
this means ….
the call to stillness and silence
are one and the same
the call to be still
is a call to be silent
and the rousing from
the heavenly dwelling,
the coming of Jesus,
the ushering forward
of true peace and presence
that is the reason
for the call
to be still and silent
may we be found
in the peace of His presence
ready and expectant
still and silent
inquiring after Him
waiting on Him
seeking Him
xx
p.s. if you want to look back on my previous
word or phrase of the year, i did a summary
a few years ago of eight years (2014-2022).
2023 and 2024, for those wondering, was a
year of healing “sozo” and year of abundance.
