i need:

to scavenge 
to wonder 
to escape

the walls
that i
have filled

to discover beauty
to discover air 
to discover breath 

and so i wonder
and i stumble 

through these 
messy thoughts

the intricacies and
complexities of me

and i struggle
with how to
articulate
and
understand me

and i realise 
it is unfair
to expect myself 

to be filled 
by others

to be loved
by others

to be understood
by others

when there is no 
fulfilment found
in the “Other” 

how can Other
understand and
articulate self

when one cannot 
understand or
articulate the self

God is the only
one who can
fill, love and
understand

God knit us together 
in all our complexity

God designed us 
the way we are
for a purpose 

i am the way
that i am 
for a purpose

you are the way
you are
for a purpose

the way things
affect us
are not in vain

they are
by design
by purpose

the way
i go about 
my days 
is unique
to how he has
made me

the way
i go about 
decisions 
is unique
to how he has 
wired me

the way
i go about 
my life 
is unique
to how he has
designed me 

God created us
to be a certain way

so today 
i find myself
w o n d e r i n g
in this
melancholy 
that has
plagued my soul

and i wonder
until i find a tree

i wonder whether
this tree and its life
can be dried out
and repurposed:

beauty repurposed

i am always
repurposing pain
into beauty

but why can’t i
repurpose beauty
into beauty?

so i grabbed
a branch from the tree

and collected three branches
into a bouquet of green

but in my
w o n d e r i n g

in my
m e l a n c h o l y

somewhere
along the way 

as i got lost 
in my thoughts

i lost a branch

i must have 
dropped it

and as soon
as i realised

i was annoyed
at myself 

for losing sight
of beauty

for letting go
of beauty

for not holding
onto it

for not caring
for it

and so i go back
i retrace my steps
unwind my thoughts
to retrieve the branch

and so i collect
the lost strand of three
in my bouquet

and reflect on how
it is never too late:

to turn around
to retrace a misstep
to retrieve something lost 
to return (repent)

and i realise how:

we are never
a lost cause to God
it is never
too late for grace

God never leaves
one behind
even if he saves
ninety nine
he cares
about the one
that’s left behind

the one
that’s wondering
and wandering

the one
that still needs
to be found

and that one

was representative
of this branch

i lost this branch
by accident

but i made a choice
when i decided
that the branch was

something worth
turning back for

something worth
retrieving
redeeming
restoring

how much more then are we:

who are not an accident
who are chosen by God

worth finding
worth saving
worth redeeming

it doesn’t matter
what state we are in
what places we have been
what we have seen
what we have believed

grace meets us
where we are

we are embraced
in the grave

and welcomed
into the gravity
of resurrecting Love

this Love frees us
to receive:

the breath
the life
the truth
the hope

that comes 
with being found

being found
in the Love story

being found
in the mystery 

being found
in the Grace identity 

being found
in the Eternity calling

when we find
ourselves all
wrapped up
and called
to this greater
calling and purpose
we are invited
into a new Purpose

beautifully and
wonderfully made

knit together
for a Purpose

designed
for a Purpose

and when Grace
meets us

when we allow
Grace to guide us

to lead us
in our interactions
and decisions

we are met:

with Love
as our lens

with Joy
as our journey

with Peace
as our posture

with Forgiveness 
as our framing

with Gentleness 
as our gird

as our lives
are transformed

so our mind
is renewed
daily with truth

though the world
feeds us lies

we learn
to reject them
to replace them
to pronounce
and declare truth
in their place
that any false truth
may be put to shame
may tremble
at the power
of the living God
speaking to the soul

truth in the bones

though truth reigns
lies try to claim
that territory
in our brains

the enemy tries
sneakily learning
new tactics and strategies
to steal kill destroy

all truth
all identity 
all hope
all grace

instead
he will lead us to
a barren place

where despair and
desolation plagues

where lies breed
insecurity leads
and shame ………

don’t get me
started
on shame

Shame tries to
rewrite the story

remember?

the Love story  
the mystery 
the Grace identity 
the Eternity call

shame fills
the heart with
Guilt and Fear

instead of
allowing Love
to fill our hearts

Shame tries to rewrite:
our yearnings
our longings
our desires
for eternity and truth

Shame tries to fill
our hearts with fear

Shame will write
Guilt into our desires
and lead us
not to discover Grace
but to discover Shame

not to be met with Love
but to be met with Fear

Shame wants us to hide
not to shine

Love tries to define
to give us
a Grace identity

but Shame wants to
take away our identity

to leave us empty
searching for meaning
in this world

unfulfilled
unable to find
what our hearts need

because Shame
tries to rewrite
the story
when we allow
Shame to reign
we forget:

how Love can free
and how Grace
invites us to breathe

we forget

because we’ve only
been receiving lies

we’ve forgetten
how to be found
in truth 

we start to
focus more
on how
broken we are

broken vessels
unredeemable

instead of
focussing on
the gravity
of Grace

as i started
to wonder home
with my three branches

i realised
that the branch
that i went back for

was broken

she had snapped
she was no longer
serving her purpose

but while she was no longer

beauty to be repurposed
into beauty

she was brokenness
to be met with Grace

still worthy
even in her
brokenness 

Xxxx