when i was a child
six years old
the classroom had
a sticker system
the sticker system
involved gold stars
i have the record
to this day
of the detriment
this system caused
because there were
these little books
where the parents
and teacher could
communicate
in said communication book
my mother had queried the
teacher on the sticker system
and how it worked:
“our daughter has noticed
that some children have
got a lot more stickers than
her and others and it makes
her wonder why and if she
hasn’t been good enough”
enter: early age onset
of perfectionism
enter: lifelong battle with
not being good enough
enter: comparison game
enter: perception of worth
attached to achievement
my mother had asked the
teacher whether they had
found other children
comparing themselves
the sticker system
as you’d expect
was not a helpful tool
for a young child
still developing
a sense of self
it was also not
a helpful tool
for a young child
still developing
social skills
the stickers had become
a bragging right
a symbol of social status
and those children
with gold stickers
made it a competition
so at an early age
it was instilled in me:
to be socially accepted
and to be rewarded
i needed gold stars
i needed gold stars
to be celebrated by the teacher
i needed gold stars
to be accepted by my peers
and not be bullied
enter: the desperate
need to be accepted
enter: the endless
striving for success
if the early onset of this
detrimental mindset
was not concerning enough
there was also the way
the system started
to destroy my mind
i would come home sad
and ask to skip school
due to “headaches”
is six years old too early
for a spiralling
mental health?

from a young age,
i learnt that perfection was the only way
to to receive stickers, awards, acknowledgement, attention, affirmation
from a young age,
i learnt that i was only good enough
if i was perfect
so i always
tried to be
p
e
r
f
e
c
t
….
equipped with this
understanding
of my childhood
it may not surprise you
to learn that i proceeded
in my schooling
by collecting every possible
academic award
the top student
in primary school
and high school
high school of course
was a different level
of striving all together
but still, the mindset
had been instilled early on:
i needed gold stars
at the end of high school
i walked away as the
dux of six subjects
and dux of the school
with two state subject merits
of course, this was
no surprise to me
i needed gold stars
but at that time
the perfectionism
the striving
was such a stronghold
that even those awards
that level of recognition
was not enough
i had not received
the top score in the state
i had not received
merits in all of my subjects
i would never be
good enough
because of the mindset
that had been engrained
in me since i was a child
the reason
i share all this now
is because:
i have seen the same
symptoms in others
of this generation
we live in a generation
of people-pleasers
we live in a generation
that doesn’t believe
we are good enough
we live in a generation
that finds their worth
in the opinions of others
we live in a generation
that constantly tries to control
the perception of others
to ensure we are liked
we live in a generation
that has been raised
in the wrong system:
a system of performance

recently i have been reading
“good boundaries and goodbyes”
by lysa terkheurst
she shared a similar reflection
from her childhood
which sparked my trip
down memory lane
she describes an
elementary school classroom
(similar age, i imagine, to my story)
where the golden rule was
“do unto others as you would
have them do unto you”
there was a board in the room
that boasted a system where
all the children’s names
were written with strips of
coloured paper underneath
green strip, yellow strip, red strip
the goal for each day was to
keep the green paper
under your name
which meant you were
kind, responsible and respectful
essentially, a similar system
to the one i was subject to:
a behavioural system that
conditions children to develop
performance-based identities
lysa describes a deep-seated
fear that sprung in her child self
around the yellow and red papers
despite the good intentions
of the teachers in both stories
to create a system that
rewarded good behaviour
for some children, like lysa and me, the
systems did not help us, but hinder us
maybe for some children, they worked
but for other children they only led us
to develop unhealthy mindsets and fears
why? because these systems only
focus on outward performance
while following the rules
is a necessary discipline
to teach young children
… there needs to be a better way
while children need to learn that
there are consequences to
bad behaviour and disrespect
… is it healthy to create systems that
punish anything but perfection?
in the system lysa describes
following the rules
meant you were good to others
and being good to others
meant you were accepted
enter: the belief that you need
to be a good person to be accepted
for me, following the rules
meant you were not only good
to others, but a good student:
you needed to be good at
listening and assigned tasks
and being a good student
meant you were rewarded
enter: the belief that you need to
be an overachiever to be seen
the detrimental impact of these
systems is the reinforcement
of behaviour as a defining driver
of who you are as a person
when you are a young child:
not sure yet
who you are
not sure yet
how to behave
not sure yet
how to interact with others
not sure yet
how to be accepted
not aware yet
of how others see you
behaviour-based
recognition is detrimental
because you learn
your identity is based
on outward performance
…
side tangent: we do also see this in the church
in behaviour-modification as a response to sin
…
when you are an adult
this performance mindset
manifests as you believing
that identity is represented by:
your social status
your moral compass
your influence
your success
your ‘likes’
we see this in our
social media generation
who have built profiles
that showcase the
outward story of our lives
we seek the approval
of others
we seek others to validate
(and agree with…)
our opinions
we desire attention
to affirm our worth

we are a generation
of people-pleasers
because our inner child
was taught to believe
that to be accepted and loved
we needed to manage
people’s perception of us
as an adult, i have found
this the hardest to dismantle:
the concept that we cannot
control others perceptions
and likewise, the reverse concept,
that we cannot expect others to
always understand our intentions
underneath the childhood fear
of not being good enough
is a growing awareness
that being misunderstood
or having the wrong intentions
assigned to our behaviours
could destroy our image
some of the most devastating
soul-destroying moments
of my adult life, moments
that have truly led me to spiral
are due to this very wound
having had intentions
assigned to my actions
that deeply contradict
my heart and motive
creates a devastating
wound of being
misunderstood
…
lysa knows this wound
and articulates it as:
“to be seen but completely
misunderstood produces a
weight of judgement
that can be brutal on a
fragile heart still trying
to figure out life”
…
while it’s not wrong
to strive for goodness
or desire to be understood
and accepted by others
what is wrong
is to attach these
to our worth
our identities cannot be found
in anything of this world
anything of our own making
when there was the threat
of the TikTok ban
in america this last week
i couldn’t help but notice
the incredibly destructive
stronghold that social media
has on our generation
there was so much emotion and
grief at the loss of the platform
that it was evident a lot of people
who built a name for themselves,
who grew following and influence,
had attached their identity to their
social media presence on the platform
the loss of the platform
equalled
the loss of their self
because
they had so entwined
their worth and identity
to the technology platform
the technology itself
may not necessarily
be the problem here
it is how we attach
our self and identity
to the platform
that is problematic
…
our generation
have been raised
to be desperate
for validation
many of us had these
performance-based systems
in our early childhood
maybe yours wasn’t
the gold star system
or traffic light system
but you probably had
an equivalent system
i can only hope and pray
that our education systems
have learned their lessons
and seen the effects of
performance culture
on the younger generation
we cannot engrain this
mindset in our children:
that people’s opinions
define who they are
otherwise we will continue
to have this vicious cycle:
generation after generation
of people-pleasers
…
in her book, lysa encourages
her readers to consider a
memory from early childhood:
to try and remember
who you were before
you looked to others
for validation
…
i don’t know about you
but i don’t have a “before”

to overcome people-pleasing:
we need to be free of this need
to please others in order to be
approved and validated
we need to be free of this focus
externally and outwardly
on our actions and behaviours
to find our misplaced identity:
we need to soak in the truth
of who God made us to be
worthy, valuable, and chosen
we were bought
with a price
for a purpose
we do not need to earn
our worth or
our purpose
consider this verse
in 1 Peter 2: 9-10:
“but you are a chosen race,
a royal priesthood, a holy nation,
a people for his own possession,
that you may proclaim the
excellencies of him who called you
out of darkness into his marvelous light.
once you were not a people,
but now you are God’s people;
once you had not received mercy,
but now you have received mercy.”
this is the validation
the worth, the acceptance
we all crave and long for:
to be chosen
to be entrusted to exercise authority
in the world on God’s behalf
to belong to the Maker
of heaven and earth
to be defined by God’s excellence
not our own achievements or glory
to be defined as children of God
not orphans of this world
to find our identity
by grace, through faith
in christ alone
nothing else
will satisfy our longing
for beloning
pleasing others
only leaves us
empty
craving more
and more
attention
but pleasing God
leaves us filled
to overflowing
with his glory, light
love, and grace
that we may abound
in the good works
he has called us to
good works we do
not because we want
to perform
to behave
to be righteous
to be worthy
of our own accord
but good works we do
because we stand firm
in who He has made us
he lays before us
these good works
works that he has
called us to
these are not works
we need to strive for
these are works we
do in obedience
a purpose-driven life
is a life found in Him
so may we be a generation
that looks to the Word
for truth, for life, for hope
may we be a generation
who sets our eyes
on the Perfecter of our faith
may we be a generation
who shines a light
into the darkness
of systems and rules
and principalities and powers
in this world that only serve
to call us away from our
true identity and calling
as children of Light
…
if i could go back
to my six year old self
i would tell her that:
her identity
is not found
in gold stars
b u t
in being a
child of God
that she does
not need to earn
gold stars for God
but that God has
given her a
Light inside
to be shared
with the world
that all she
needs to do
is to spend more
time with Him
to be filled
to be ignited
that no external
validation or recognition
will give her the acceptance
or belonging she desires
because she
belongs to Him

you may be at the end of this blog
and wondering whether i read
a certain book in my childhood
“you are special”
written by max lucado
if you had read this book
you would understand the
similarities to my own story
in the book, the people
stick either gold stars or
grey dots on one another
the perfect ones, people
with beauty and talent,
boast many gold stars
and the flawed people,
with less talent and beauty,
receive all the grey dots
not to spoil the ending,
but the story teaches
children the opposite
of what these school
systems taught us:
that no matter how
the world evaluates us
we are cherished
and loved by our Maker
despite reading this book
in my childhood, i had
not seen this truth
taught in the classroom
i was taught my worth
had to be earned
when the truth
is far more freeing
that our worth
only need be found
if you have also been
conditioned to believe:
that you are not worthy
that you are not good enough
i hope you will join me
on the journey of
un-conditioning ourselves
and re-learning our worth
may we not be
a generation
of people-pleasers
who seek attention
and validation
in each other
b u t
may we be a generation
of identity-claimers
who proclaim the
excellence of God
God who calls us out
of the darkness,
out of the spiral of self
and into the light
and hope of Christ
“therefore… let us also
lay aside every weight…
and let us run with
endurance the race
that is set before us,
looking to Jesus,
the founder and
perfecter of our faith…”
this passage in hebrews 12:1-2
reminds us that we are
not to put weight or worth
in anything of this world
that we are to lay that all aside
if we want to find our
worth and identity
for we are called
not into performance
but into a race
a race that requires
endurance not
excellence
so let us look to Jesus
(not to others)
and in
looking to him
discovering him
finding him
let us find
our true identity
xx
