in the liminal space of night and day
i found myself unable to surrender to gravity
that is, the heaviness only sleep can usher forth

i was enslaved to sleepless lamentation
wrestling with the desire to fall into slumber
but acutely aware of my conscious state

my body refused to rest
my mind would not switch off

my body was assaulted by

foreign sounds
flickering lights
frequent pains
intrusive thoughts
overwhelming fears
googled symptoms

each moment was met
with a new discomfort

my body was at war
my mind remaining alert
in fight or flight mode
to protect myself

nothing worked

white noise
camomile
stretching
magnesium
no screens
lavendar
medications
headphones
eye masks

noise nor silence
eating nor fasting

changing positions
changing rooms
changing clothes

no wonder sleep deprivation
has been studied as a form of
dehumanising torture method

there is a certain point
where sleeplessness
tips you into delirium

in an insomniac state
your sense of time is distorted
minutes and hours morph
there are no time signatures
no finite measures of beats

in that liminal space, there is an awareness
that our lives, like time signatures, are
subject to a finite measure of heart beats

…

today we are going to be
exploring my experience
of sleepless lamentation

this post is predominately experiential
recounting how God ministered to me
in my current season of long-suffering

but before i recount this night
of sleepless lamentation
let me give you some context:

s l e e p l e s s n e s s
may or may not be a
familiar experience to you

unfortunately for me it is not only
familiar, but a too common experience

for the last five years i have been
taking medication to help me
both fall asleep and stay asleep

over the years, i have slowly
downgraded the dose from
full to half to quarter tablet

but this year i finally stopped taking the
sleep medication all together (praise God!)

however, with the denial and deprivation
of a dosage that i had become dependent on,
i had to unlearn and relearn healthy habits,
and natural sleep rhythms and patterns

i could no longer be reliant on a tablet
to send me into the depths of slumber

so there was an adjustment period

but it became apparent that sleep
was not the worst of my problems

sleep became a secondary issue
to the constellation of symptoms
that began to spiral out of control

i found it was impossible for the medical system
to offer me a holistic health approach because of
the interconnected and interdependent symptoms

when our bodies are under attack from so many angles
it is no wonder why we remain in fight or flight mode
unable to drop into the unconsciousness sleep offers

so for most of August and September my body decided
that it only wanted to fall asleep every second night

my body had shutdown all functioning, sleep included
to attack whatever it was perceiving as a threat

there was a very active resistance to slumber
while my body fought infection, pain, and healing

this night of sleepless lamentation occurred in this period

and this night of shocking sleep hit differently
than all the other insomniac episodes

the difference was the overwhelming intimacy and comfort
that i experienced by being still in the presence of God
and intentionally quieting my heart (and fears) before Him

by the time my husband’s alarm went off
i had been living and breathing the scripture:

“pray without ceasing”

[1 thessalonians 5:17]

i doubt when Paul spoke
of ceaselessly praying that
he meant fasting from sleep
but there are times when
we may be called to this

~ tangent~
i witnessed this with a sister
when road tripping in Canada

we had stayed with a woman
who went to a church with a
24/7 prayer roster rotation
for the persecuted church

faithful servants who would
ceaselessly pray for their
brothers and sisters, even
sacrificing sleep to pray

it was incredible to witness
~

unfortunately my sleepless night
was not a case of intentional fasting
from sleep for the sake of prayer

my sleepless lamentation
began as the cry of my heart
for the unrelenting, ceaseless
wakefulness to come to an end

wakefulness is a beautiful gift
to be alert, sober-minded, awake

but our bodies and minds so yearn
for slumber, for rest, for peace

wakefulness is beautiful
when it kisses slumber awake

but when you are awake for too long
without slumber, without rest

… your mind is tormented
… your body fatigued
… your spirit weary

any sleepless night
is a departure and denial
of a core human need

in this particular sleepless night
although i ached to fall into
the depths of slumber
i found a beauty to the waking

this was a kindness, a gift of God
in the midst of my brokenheartedness

after several hours of escaping slumber
i reached a point where i crumbled

i am so over this, i cried out to God

i lamented to Him in my brokenness

i was grieving the pain
the symptoms, the suffering

i just wanted it to be over

the intensity of lament
is truly scary, because
in your grief and sorrow
you are plagued with the
question of where God is

i cried out to Him:

where are you God?
why is this happening to me?

i did not hold back the fear
that underpinned my sorrow

the fear had weighed me down in
my endless season of suffering

so i brought my fears to God

i came before Him, in all my
brokenness, and ugliness,
bringing my hearts question
of abandonment to him

where are you god?

it’s not that i hadn’t been coming
to Him before that point in time,
but i hadn’t been honest with Him
and lamented on how downtrodden
my soul was, how crushed my spirit

i was at the true end of myself

my sanity, my strength

and it was there
that he met me

i really felt His presence and the
overwhelming assurance of His promise
that He would never leave or forsake me

[deuteronomy 31:8]

the revelation He gave me
when i allowed Him the space
to enter into my brokenness
when i was honest with Him
in my expression of lament
when i quieted my heart
to hear Him … was confronting

He really pressed on my heart:

that i had been listening 
to my body
more than i had been 
listening to Him

i had been living and breathing suffering
more than i had been living and
breathing in the stillness of His presence

i had been paying more attention to the
symptoms plaguing me, listening to fear
instead of paying attention to His truth

this was particularly convicting,
because my season of suffering
was so laden with the burden of
endless symptoms without cause

my spiralling, and sleeplessness,
was born of these symptoms
dominating me, and being the
loudest voice, claiming me

so to hear the Spirit so clearly
convict me at listening to my
symptoms more than God?

it hit hard
it hit home

it was so true, because
i was constantly assaulted

by symptoms and signals
by warning signs
by pains in my body
by neuro-sensitivities

i had become hyper-aware of
everything going on in my body

i was so in tune with my body,
that i knew instantly when
something was wrong or off

but the hyper-fixation led me into
spirals of anxiety because of the
symptoms and how severely they
were trying to claim and control me

there were scary symptoms
there were painful symptoms

i was so afraid

but God, in my brokenhearted state
and despite my flailing and failing heart

gently met me in
my anxiety spiral
my sleepless night
and convicted me

what authority did
these symptoms
have over my body?

who did i believe was
the author of my body?

i could not shake that
deep conviction
to return to His voice
to listen to Him as
the authority and
author over my body

as soon as i started
to listen to truth,
and declare truth
over my body and mind,
my soul and spirit:

my strength and joy were reinstated
and realigned with the heart of God,
and His desire for me to be healed
and whole and found abiding in Him

and so for the remainder of
that night, i found myself in
constant prayer and worship

declarations of truth
affirmations of His promises
intercession for friends
petitions for deliverance

the ceaseless praying
made the lack of sleep more
bearable and beautiful in its
own brutal yet redeeming way

i was fully surrendering to God:

repeating truth to my heart
committing my beliefs to Him in prayer
reminding myself of who He is

i believe you
… are healer
… are a miracle worker
… know my body better than i do
… will protect me
… will lead me

i came to him on my knees
asking Him to have
the rule and authority
in my body, heart and mind

i realised that i hadn’t been
giving him permission
to have rule and authority
in this area of my life

fear was ruling me

i had allowed the symptoms, the fear
to override His Spirit, His peace, His love

fear was twisting the truth
into lies that i was believing
about my body, about my life

i had been so afraid of these
symptoms but underneath that
what had i really been afraid of?

i couldn’t even see through my fear

Fear was authoring my mind
rewiring my thinking

i had given Fear authority
to rule my mind

i had failed to see the lies
for what they were:

distractions from the Enemy
attempts to steal, kill, destroy

i was asking God why

… why was he allowing this
… why was i suffering
… why didn’t he deliver me
… why wasn’t i seeing healing

yet my prayers did not reflect
a belief in His character

my lamentation revealed
a stronghold of Fear that
held my heart captive to doubt

instead of asking God
to heal me, to minister to me

instead of speaking truth
to the lies, to fears, the symptoms

i was just asking Him to end it
that’s what my lamentation began as

i was just praying for it to be over
rather than
praying for Him to be Lord over it

and so in my sleepless state my prayers changed

the Spirit helped me in my weakness, and taught
me to pray in a way that honoured who God is

we learn that this is possible in the scriptures
that the Spirit intercedes on our behalf
stepping into our suffering, our brokenness

not only that, but we see the Spirit echo
the sentiment and pain we know our hearts are
capable of, with a groaning too deep for words

[romans 8:26]

this is the truest portrait of empathy
the Spirit translating our hearts into words
when we fail to give words to our groans

prayer is not always a conscious, articulate act
prayer is a conscious act of spiritual surrender

i love this quote, that echoes my experience:

“ceaselessly praying does not mean endlessly reciting
prayers to oneself. it means that the consciousness of
the spiritual student is moulded in such a way that
the context of the Divine is never lost from awareness.”

― Donna Goddard, Dance: A Spiritual Affair

during my sleepless lamentation
i had a spiritual awakening

a divine awareness of who
truly has authority over
our waking and sleeping
our living and dying

my prayers changed
from lament to praise

to a declaration of who He is

as soon as i began to declare
His truth, His nature, His promises
over my symptoms, my situation

i then started to declare it over everything

i declare you Lord

… are the author of my life, over of all life
… are the alpha and omega, the lion and the lamb
… are the ultimate healer and deliverer
… are the only one who can save us from ourselves
… are good, gracious, great, and worthy of all praise

in these truth declarations, my heart was drawn
further and further away from my fears
and closer and closer to the Father’s heart

i started praising Him in my suffering,
in my weakness, pain, sorrow, fear

i started praising Him for His works,
His wonder, His ways, His word

constantly repeating to myself
psalm 139, “i praise you, for i am
fearfully and wonderfully made”

my worship acknowledged and praised Him
for how He had made me
that He knows me intricately because He made me

and He didn’t just make me, but He
made me fearfully and wonderfully

and because He made me,
i know i can praise Him
no matter what

no matter what
is going on within me

no matter what
symptoms plague me

no matter what
fears threaten to
overwhelm me

i can praise Him
because He made me

and because He made me
it means He knows

how i need to function
how i need to operate

he made me with wonder
(mystery, unknown workings that i fail to understand)

and with fear
(care, attentiveness, full of awe and beauty)

His creation, His works
are full of mechanisms
invisible to the eye

and so do we, as created beings, contain
so many invisible layers and properties

He has built in us the capacity
to heal, to recover, to regenerate

this is not a coincidence
perhaps we can reframe all
our suffering and pain
to be opportunities
to see His invisible properties
to see miracles in action

~ pain subdued
~ wounds healed
~ infections fought
~ inflammation cured
~ energy rejuvenated
~ cells repairing
~ bones remodelled

He is the Author of Life
in Him is life and life to the full
in Him is the fullness of joy
in Him is hope for the weary heart
in Him is healing and deliverance

and most of all?

He is Immanuel
God. With. Us.

in seasons of trouble,
remind yourself:

He is here
He is in this

repeat to yourself the
truth of deuteronomy:

He won’t leave me
or forsake me

and the truth of the Psalms:

He is close to the
brokenhearted

He saves those who
are crushed in Spirit

[psalm 34:18]

it is often in times of struggle
seasons of long suffering
that we can be tempted to
wonder, where is God?

suffering can feel like
He has abandoned us

He can feel distant
… not because He is

remember:

He promises never
to leave or forsake us

He can feel distant …
when we fail to see Him
in our pain and suffering

there was a poem i wrote
during my season of suffering
that was really soul-searching

i was really trying to challenge
my beliefs around long-suffering

because in romans 5:3-5 we
learn there is a divine trajectory
and sequence to our suffering

it says that suffering
produces endurance
endurance -> character
and character -> hope

suffering is what leads
to that spiritual formation

the character development
the cultivation of hope

i didn’t want to see that or
believe that in my situation

i didn’t want the suffering
to have a purpose

but during my sleepless night i had
a breakthrough, reminded that the
question is not whether the suffering
has a purpose, but whether i trust God:

to give my suffering a purpose
to use my suffering for His glory

even though sleeplessness leaves
your body feeling rough and weary
the beauty of sleepless lamentation
for me was the awakening in my spirit

it was well with my soul
which is irreplaceable

that truly meant more to me than
any solutions to the physical pain and
suffering and torment of symptoms

during my sleepless lamentation
as my prayers turned to praise
my declarations of promises
turned into worship and song

i had been meditating on and declaring
scriptural verses over my situation
but moved into repeating song lyrics

one of the songs i was repeating to myself
was called You Speak, Audrey Assad:

“in the silence of the heart, You speak”

i reminded myself that
He speaks in the quiet,
the silence of the heart

i reminded myself that
He speaks and is speaking

the question is, was i listening?

as i quieted my heart before Him
and allowed myself to be still
truly still, void of thought, shutting
out the pain and symptoms and fear,
i allowed Him to speak to my heart
to minister to me in my hour of need
in the desperation of a dark night

He speaks into those
quiet places of our hearts
we just need to be still

how fitting this revelation
during my year
of stillness and silence

i am learning:
to be silent
to be still
to listen to Him

…not to my body
… not to anyone else

i pray that He would speak to the
quiet places of our hearts
but most of all, i pray that we would 
have ears and hearts
that are ready to listen
ears and hearts that:

know how to be still
know how to wait on the Lord
know how to discern
the quiet whisper of love

“He quiets me with His love”

[zephaniah 3:16]

that was another verse

i prayed over myself
reminding myself that
there is power in His love
to bring us to that place
of stillness and silence

it is His love that primes our hearts
so we are ready to receive Him

Audrey Assad sings this truth to her soul:

“You satisfy me till i am quiet and confident
in the work of the Spirit i cannot see.”

nothing else satisfies
yet we find ourselves
trying to fill the emptiness
with our little indulgences

Brent Curtis calls them
“little affairs of the heart”

God calls them “broken cisterns”
[Jeremiah 2:13]

they’re what we give our
hearts to, instead of
giving our hearts to God

i had given my heart over to fear
to the screaming symptoms
instead of giving my heart to
the whisper of His love

we see in the scriptures that
lamentation is often about the heart

“my heart is wrung within me”

“arise, cry out in the night,
at the beginning of the night watches!
pour out your heart like water
before the presence of the Lord!
lift your hands to him…”

[lamentations 1:20, 2:19]

i cannot help but feel comforted
that God’s people before me also
lamented in cries in the night

in the book of lamentations
there is language of languish
deep grief, wounding, weeping
deep pain, groaning, churning
from God’s people

[lamentations 2:11]

“my soul is bereft of peace; i have forgotten what happiness is;
so i say “my endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord”
remember my affliction and my wanderings… my soul continually remembers
it and is bowed down within me. but this i call to mind, and therefore i have
hope. the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never
come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

[lamentations 3:17-23]

God has given us a framework, a structure for our lamentation
we see this both in His people and in my experience:

when God’s people turn to Him in lament, when they are
downcast, bereft of peace, without endurance or hope

…. He quiets us with His love
… He satisfies us with His love

when we remind ourselves of our loving, gracious God
our endless laments and ceaseless prayers
are met with the unceasing love and mercy of God

we see God give us an example of ultimate lamentation
in the passion of the Christ, which was Christ pouring out
His life for us, experiencing deep languish in our place

our suffering has a purpose
because His suffering
had the ultimate purpose

we see the romans 5 divine trajectory of suffering
toward hope come to life in Jesus, our Living Hope

“‘the Lord is my portion,’ says my soul,
‘therefore i will hope in him‘
the Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
it is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord’

[lamentations 3:24-26]

and we see again this call
that we must wait quietly

the call to stillness
the call to silence
the call to wait
the call to seek
the call to hope

waiting hoping seeking
all require a stillness
an intentionality of intimacy
a setting aside of obstacles
of all noise, weight, worry
of consecrated communion
of relational rhythm with our Creator

waiting hoping seeking
require hearts ready to receive
hearts longing for Him

if our hearts wander
our souls are to call
to remembrance the
hope that we have

the heart is constantly
wrestling with love affairs
that threaten to steal our
intimacy and communion
with the Makers of our souls

conscious or unconscious
our souls long for Him

our deepest longings
are for rest, for love
that satisfies us

when we are steadied
and quieted by his love
our hearts and souls
can truly declare

it is well
it is good
it is right

it is when we turn
to counterfeit sources
of love and rest
that we are not satisfied

peace is bereft
joy is bereft
hope is bereft
when we turn from Him

to avoid this bereft
soul deprivation
often requires
physical deprivation
from those counterfeits

we are called to deny ourselves
God’s people are constantly
led to wilderness places
so that they may see that
what truly deprives and denies us
is not God, but it is all the counterfeits
that claim to offer us life

everything else leaves us
wanting and lacking
but God fills us
satisfies our souls

He sustains us

it is when we reach
the end of ourselves
that we are met with the
beginning and ending
of all things: the Author
and Perfecter of our faith

it is when we reach
empty, barren places
and are met with lack
that we experience the
true fullness of Him

…

let me indulge you with two of my sleep
meditations, a scripture and image
that i use to call my heart and mind to
remembrance and holy hoping in
the Lover and Sustainer of my soul

as an anxiety-prone soul, i meditate
on this psalm, and i have committed
it to memory and repeat it nightly:

“when i am afraid,
i put my trust in you.
in God, whose word i praise,
in God i trust; i shall not be afraid.
what can flesh do to me?”

[psalm 56:3-4]

as a mentally-overwhelmed soul who
often enters bed with a long mental
to-do-list, i have a ‘safe place’ that
i have created in my imagination,
while meditating on psalm 23. it is
usually an ongoing meditation, where
i am a sheep, in a green pasture, with
trees and flowers. as i slow down
my thoughts and fill out the scene,
which changes night to night, i await
my Shepherd. when my mind finally
stills and settles on Him, i allow Him
to lead me by still waters, through
rocky caverns, around open fields,
and somewhere along the way, as
i follow my Shepherd, i fall into slumber

…

so to finish:

as long as we listen to other loves
that do not fill or satisfy us
we will be restless, sleepless

but God welcomes the weary heart
to find true rest in His love, His heart

let Him lead you by still waters

let Him restore your soul

…

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