“blessed are those who have
not yet seen and yet have believed”

[john 20:29]

.

i have been avoiding
writing this post

my heart was not
in the right place

as the psalmist says:

“why, my soul, are you downcast?
why so disturbed within me?“

[psalm 42:5a]

i had reached a point
in our fertility journey
where my emotions
became too much

my hope darkened

“i have no faith, no hope left”
i told my nearest and dearest

i had truly reached
the end of my self
and the end of my faith

my faith had run dry
i was not even thirsty

i was truly barren

void of all hope
denying belief

not even able
to muster up
the desire to thirst

i was unable
of my own accord
to continue on

no mindset shifts
no faith transformations
no spiritual awakenings

i reached a point where
the only prayer i could pray

was a plea, a cry:
“help my unbelief”

the words surfaced from
the deep recesses of my being

where had they come from?
the Scriptures? the Gospels?

i knew they were not my own
i needed to find those words

to discover their source
to understand their context

these words became my words
these words became my prayer

a cry for help in my faith, my doubt

a plea for assistance
divine intervention
to resurrect this broken
and crushed spirit

so i went on a journey
a scavenger hunt
through the gospels

i did not want to search
for the verse online

i wanted to find it
by manual exploration

and so i trawled through
the pages of my bible

and as i trawled, i scrawled
noting any verses that stood out

seeking scriptural balms
for my wounded heart

my spirit needed to be
restored to a place of
hope and believing again
.

and so i began with Jesus’ words in John 20:29,
which you would have seen at the top of this post

“blessed are those who have
not yet seen and yet have believed”

these words speak blessing for those who
have “not yet seen”, “yet have believed”

there is the big “yet“. the “yet” to see,
the “yet” to the prayer being answered

but in the waiting? there is another yet

“yet have believed”

the yet of the promise, not just the provision

God is holding onto to his yet. his promise
and we are called to hold onto our yet. our trust

yet. he is able. yet. he is good. yet. he is in control.

trust is the faith and hope in Him as our provider
(despite the circumstances of life, the suffering
and hardships we are “yet” to be delivered from)

this verse is also a reminder that faith
truly is about what we cannot see

it is an assurance of things unseen
it is hope and trust and belief

… that God fulfils His word
… that God is a God of His word

and so blessed are we
if we do believe
when we don’t see
the evidence

i truly am in that place
and so i want to believe
i need to believe
otherwise i have nothing left

later in the same chapter, John tells
us that he has written these things:

“…that by believing you
may have life in his name”

[john 20:3]

as my soul questions Him
my heart wrestles with Him
my mind spirals in despair

i am reminded that
what i so desire
life in the womb
is a gift He gives

He is life
life is from Him
from His name
from His blood

life is in and through and of Him

i may be hope-less, faith-less
but i cannot go on without Him

i need Him

believing in Him
is where we find
that wellspring of life

this is the reminder i needed:

how important it is
to fix our eyes on Jesus

to not lose hope
and to let Him be
the perfecter of our faith

as i continue searching the gospels
in pursuit of hope for my soul

i encounter Mary in Luke 1
her pure devotion for the Lord

here i also encounter the story
of Elizabeth and Zechariah
another example of barrenness

this is a reminder for me that God
truly sees barrenness

it is not something He hides, or shuns
it is not a secret, it is not a taboo

it is something specifically called out
throughout the scriptures

and it is something that God
addresses and ministers to
it is something He cares about
enough to feature in His word

which is reassuring for my soul
when i do feel discouraged
or disheartened by barrenness:

i can remind myself that God sees this
He sees the suffering of the waiting
He knows the pain of this season

and in Elizabeth and Zechariah’s case,
like the case of Sarah and Abraham,
we see God intervene into a barren story
that plagued the couple for most of their lives
to the point that losing hope would make sense

when angels came to Zechariah, they told him:

“your prayer has been heard” [1:13]

that is the promise: God hears our prayers

even without evidence in the form of answers
we can find hope and comfort that He listens
He hears our deepest longings, even those
we do not have the words to pray to Him with

Zechariah questioned, “how shall i know this?” [18]

and it sounds all too similar to my despair:

“how can it be?” “how is it possible?”

notably, and very convicting, we learn that there is
a consequence for not believing God at his word

Zechariah is told he will be unable
to speak until after his son is born

“because you did not believe my words,
which will be fulfilled in their time” [20]

here lies an incredibly valuable lesson
on the importance of trusting God

do we believe God at his word?
do we believe He will fulfil his word?

if we do, we must also be obedient in this:

believing God will fulfil His word in His time

His timing is the part i struggle with the most

it is not always a question of if we believe
(the who, what, why, where)
but if we believe in His timing (the when)

.

it was really convicting to read
some of these mentions of how
Jesus addresses unbelief in the
gospel accounts by rebuking
unbelief and hardness of heart
that appears in his disciples

[example in mark 16:14]

this was especially harrowing to read
when i truly was lacking in faith

but it also meant the words penetrated deeper
showing me how serious unbelief is

Jesus does not want us to remain
in places of questions and doubt
he rebukes, warns, and calls us out
from the shallow waters of belief

He calls us to go deeper
in oceans deep
where feet may fail
but faith will stand

[oceans, hillsong]

.

Jesus says multiple times
“o faithless generation”

how often are we faith-less instead of faith-full?

this is convicting, a call out to our tendency
as humanity, throughout all time, to live
our lives without faith, to be faith-less

and this is why it is so important to surround
ourselves with other believers
because they can encourage us in our faith

if we are surrounding ourselves with the people
of this world, they will only encourage and
influence us towards faithlessness

so to be faith-full, and faith-filled, we need
to surround ourselves with those also pursuing
this fulfilment in God and God alone

Jesus wants us to have faith, to come to Him, to trust
that His Father’s business is worth our investment

the more we give our time to Him investing in Him
the more we practice patience in His timing

as you can see, it was a scavenger hunt to find the words
that God had put on my heart: “help my unbelief”

i eventually found them in Mark 9. this same story of a father
with a son who was lame from birth is also found in Matthew 17

i searched this story, to see why God
may have revealed these words to me

i was not disappointed

in this story, the father brings
his son to Jesus for healing
this child needs physical healing

the father asks Jesus by saying “if you can”
which Jesus, cutting through to the heart of this man,
calls him out for, for his “if” was as doubt, a question mark:

“if you can! all things are possible for the one who believes.” [Jesus]

immediately the father
of the child cries out:

“i believe; help my unbelief“

do you see the beauty of this plea?

this was not only a father’s plea
for his son, but for himself

he knows in asking this, that Jesus
can heal physically, for his son
but also spiritually, for himself

which is why he is asking for help
with his belief, with his faith

and so that is the attitude
that i want to adopt too

to continue to ask God
to restore my faith and hope
to renew my strength

i need to be grounded and rooted
in His love, His word, direct to my heart,
ministering to me in my hour of need

just as the father needed spiritual healing
i too need not just physical healing, from barrenness
but spiritual healing, the restoration of my faith

so i repeat this phrase to myself,
reading it as a prayer-chant,
etching it onto my soul, my heart:

‘i believe – help my unbelief’
‘all things are possible in you’
‘may it be possible’
‘find me in belief’
‘help my unbelief’
‘i believe’

my prayers became the words of this father
a father also in a state of desperation

and although i am desperate for a child;
i recognise i am far more desperate for my Father

i’m just a daughter

and maybe God wants me to learn
how to be His child
how to rest as His daughter
before i birth a child
and raise a son or daughter

.

after encountering this convicting truth
of my spiritual, not just physical, need

my focus slowly shifted towards:

… returning to how faithful He is
… filling myself with faith
… fixing my eyes on Him who is faithful

instead of:

… looking to my situation
… letting myself spiral into despair
… remaining in the faithless pit of hopelessness

transitioning from faith-less to faith-filled
does not happen overnight
and it is not something that we can do alone
by our own strength or power or might

… it only comes from Him

when i was in the darkness, in the pit

… i didn’t see
… i didn’t see his face
… i didn’t see his goodness
… i didn’t hear his voice
… i didn’t hear

and so i want to address
what is required
to get out of that darkness

how do we depart darkness?

only God can allow
life and light to enter our darkness

all other light and life sources
are counterfeits and will not last

only He can pull us out of miry straits
but we need to turn to Him, and ask for His help

we need to invite Him into our darkness
and allow Him to bring light and life there

sometimes it may feel easier
to remain in the darkness
to wallow in the sorrow

the idea of light
can be terrifying

any sources of joy and gladness
can feel intrusive and obnoxious

but the light is not our enemy

the light reveals to us His heart
and it is what we need to see Him

when we come to God with such
a bold prayer to help us, He will answer us

when we draw near to Him, He draws near to us

He wants to reveal himself to us;
He tries to in so many ways

and so praying
“help my unbelief”
is such a beautiful
and vulnerable thing
and He honours that!

.

and the miraculous thing
is how he has gently
been changing my prayer

after the first week
my prayer changed

i went from only being able
to pray “help my unbelief” 

to praying

… from a place of faith again
… from a place of truth
… and proclaiming His promises again

it was a hard, but necessary transition
to setting my hope on Him again

it isn’t just a journey of the heart
it has a lot to do with the mind

the spiral into despair and darkness
is very mental, emotional and spiritual

we need to take every thought captive
and make it obedient to Christ

and so when we do start to spiral
or we do start to have thoughts of hopelessness

we need to bring those thoughts up
against the truth of God’s word

we need to replace lies with truth
we need to replace doubt with God’s faithfulness

.

the best way i found
to be re-acquainted
with God’s character
and to let the truth
of who He is soak deep
was through worship

worship was what brought
my heart back to him
back into a faith-alignment

when i myself did not have the words
and was not in a place where i could pray

when i was reading the bible and
my head knew God’s words to be true
but it did not translate to my heart:

listenening to worship music
slowly softened my heart
and reminded me of who He is

there were a few songs
that really ministered to me
in that emotional place
of the grief of barrenness

and these helped me have perspective
on the sufferings of this life

.

“what if Your healing comes through tears?

what if a thousand sleepless nights
is what it takes to know You’re near?

what if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
this world can’t satisfy?”

[blessings, laura story]

.

God can minister to us
through so many things

if you don’t feel like you have the faith
in and of yourself
if you can’t muster up even a mustard seed of faith
God will minister to your heart

you have seen my journey:

how i had cried out to God
in my hour of need
from a place of despair

not really able to see
how He is working
in my situation

unable to hear him
and what he was saying
to my situation

i wasn’t able to see
the beauty and the hope
that is found in God’s
presence and promises
(“beauty in the barren”)

i questioned whether
He is good and faithful

and that is when He stirred
to mind those words:

“help my unbelief”

they were truly the only prayer
i could pray for an entire week

the only thing i would bring to God
in true authenticity and honesty

crying out to him, to help me

these words enabled me
to acknowledge that:

my faith of my own
will, power and desire
is not strong enough
to sustain the struggles
and trials of this life

i need God to strengthen my faith
i need Jesus to be the author
and perfecter of my faith

.

i can now write from a place
of deliverance from a downcast state
to being in a place of dependance
and trust again in the Lord

life can have so many ups and downs
we all need an anchor for our soul

we need hope

this is not just true for barrenness
but in so many other seasons of life
singleness, sickness
these are all season of long-suffering

we truly do need to wait on the Lord
and
we can come to Him and ask Him for help

even in just a few weeks

He has really come through for me
He has reminded me of who He is

and although i still haven’t seen the
fruition of my big answer to prayer – for a child

i have seen the fruit of my small answer to prayer –
to restore and renew my hope that He is able to provide

but let us remember that He is faithful
in the “small” and “not so small” prayers

and let us be faithful to He who is faithful
no matter our season or circumstances

there may be times like these in our lives
where we question whether He is a good God

whether He does give good gifts to His children
whether this is His will and purpose for our lives

there is quite a lot that Jesus says about our hearts
and the faith we have. He cares about it so much
because what we believe really shapes how we live

beliefs are fundamental to our behaviours

wrong beliefs lead us down wrong paths
but beliefs aligned to Christ’ righteousness
lead us down the path of life everlasting

it is only those who wait on the Lord
who trust in the Lord
that have their hope restored
their spirits renewed in Him

that is someone i want to be
to be found waiting on Him
even in the hard and messy things

i pray and hope you have that
same desire and longing for the Lord

we need to come back
to His heart, to His love, to His word
to be filled, to be faith-filled again

.

to finish, let’s reflect on one last verse:

“daughter, your faith has made you well: go in peace”

– Jesus [luke 8:48]

here is a wellness secret that not
enough people are talking about: faith

it is having faith
holding onto the faith
that makes us well
that leads to peace

when we sing
“it is well with our soul”

it is faith that makes
our soul well

true wellness is found
by coming to the well
our Living Water

when i was without faith
and without hope

my soul was not well
my soul was downcast

i literally laid on the bed
listening to this psalm 42 song

(if you don’t listen, picture:
lost appetite, eating tears)

as the psalmist corrals his soul
to remember the Lord
despite his downtrodden state

i too was corralling my soul and
gentling reminding myself that
i did believe, i did have hope

the very thing i thought i was without
was what was sustaining me

i came to God
in my prayerful plea
boldly asking in faith
for Him to turn:

my sorrow to joy
my tears to hope
my pain to praise

.

when i started writing this post
i wasn’t in the right heart posture

i wasn’t ready to write
because God was still writing
healing truth on my heart

i have now returned to the place
where i can confidently declare and proclaim
the truth of God’s word and character: who He is

this post is an acknowledgement
that i wasn’t in that place though

so this post was the journey
of returning to that place

you witnessed firsthand
how God’s word
brought me back to truth

and

God has truly answered my prayer:

and i have been helped
and strengthened in my belief

.

so let our faith be tested
that we may stand
stronger
firmer
on Christ
the solid rock on which we stand
our firm foundation
our cornerstone, our hope

even when we are unsteady
He is steadfast

xx