after a long process of healing
and processing my “church hurt”
i am finally read to speak to a very
important aspect of this topic, and
that is: healing from church hurt.
my heart is still very fragile
to the point where my relationship
with church is still recovering, but:
praise God, i am back in the church,
and have found fellowship again.
if you have read my previous post
titled “pendulum heart” you will
discover a very raw reflection
on the state of my heart and
the reality of my church hurt.
you will also read in “safe, sacred places”
that my heart still yearned for fellowship,
and that my heart was still for the church.
and in “performative spirituality” you will
read an insight into my concerns over
performance-based spiritual systems.
this journey brings us to today, where i am ready
to speak hope to those harbouring church hurt.
to start, let me give a diagnostic on church hurt:
There is a disturbing movement that has emerged in the Christian context coined “church hurt”. The concept is born of an increase in Church-leavers actively voicing concerns over the practices of spiritual authorities and systems. When researching this movement, I encountered a Gospel Coalition post that looked to biblical instances of church hurt to identify the sources of church hurt.
The following is a summary of the reasons why “church hurt” exists (according to the post):
- An inevitable outcome, given the Christian view that the world is already plagued by sin.
- Evidence that the enemy is at work to destroy the church.
- A result of weak, immature believers.
The post frames the above into four sources of church hurt that are found in scriptures, noting that church hurt may result from just one or a combination of these sources. The post directly frames these as: fallen world, satan, immaturity, sinful hearts. There is both the nature of a broken world (sinful) and the nature of our hearts (sinful) distinguished. All of these identified sources are real, and I do not dispute them. Sin and a broken world are the reality.
The problem is, we need to acknowledge the role of the spiritual authorities or systems at play. The post gives the reasons why church hurt exists, but what is missing is not just why church hurt exists, but what in the spiritual system has enabled the church hurt.
The real question is: how has church hurt been able to occur in the first place?
The real problem underneath church hurt is far more concerning that any Christian may dare to believe.
The “church hurt” movement is merely a symptom
of the fallout common among those
who have been victims of spiritual abuse.
As a society, we have language for the complexity of domestic abuse that goes beyond our past assessments. We have identified the role of coercive control, and the many forms of abuse, along with their symptoms. In the instance of spiritual abuse, however, we do not see the same societal investment in deconstructing the spiritual systems that are causing harm. Instead, we see an active resistance from the church that church hurt is a valid problem, and that spiritual abuse is a reality of many who know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour.
The sources above point to the dynamics at play in the spiritual system, but fail to critically analyse and reflect on the structure of the system, and perhaps where the problems are stemming from. As with any medical issue, if we merely treat the symptoms, we will never arrive at a proper diagnosis, and therefore, never offer a cure, intervention, and solution to the real problem.
Causation complexity can often lead us to settle with superficial solutions for problems, rather than delving deeper into the interconnected and interdependent nodes in a system. If we apply complexity theory to the church, we may find that there is an unspoken thread of connection to the system of church, rather than the circumstances interacting with the church.
We see the same surface-level symptoms of violence, dominance, wounding, fear, and shame of domestic abuse in spiritual abuse. There has been some efforts to understand how spiritual authorities have abused their position of power in the church in the last decade. Darkness has been brought to light. We now have access to data on sexual abuse in the church. We have seen spiritual leaders “let go” on grounds of moral failures. We have seen inquiries into the treatment of children by spiritual leaders. There has been exposure of spiritual manipulation in yielding scripture as a means of control and abuse.
What the “church hurt” movement reveals to us, is that many churches today are operating in spiritually abusive systems. In place of coercive control, we find performative control. The church attendees are held to performance-based standards that spiritually binds them to a system that hurts, instead of helps them. There is a subtle line to spiritual abuse, because it can quickly tip from “good intentions” and “right heart” to wrongful treatment of another heart:
- Sharing a different interpretation or perspective is not spiritual abuse – until it is used to devalue a persons spirituality.
- Speaking to another about sin is not spiritual abuse – unless the objective is to shame or discredit, not to heal, save or restore.
- Conflict and disagreements are not spiritual abuse – unless respect is not maintained and a disagreement is used to attack another.
- Maintaining standards of conduct is not abusive – but spiritually degrading or shaming others for not holding the same conviction is.
In summary. We must not divorce spiritual abuse from church hurt. If we want to understand church hurt, we must also understand spiritual abuse. The subtleties lie in the tightrope of spiritual abuse. Unfortunately, church hurt only reveals that the church, a place for the broken and lost and hurting, also has the potential to break, lose and hurt.
To quote ‘The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse’: “Spiritual abuse is the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or decreasing that person’s spiritual empowerment.”
The Church must not jump to defend itself in the face of the church hurt movement. Instead, the Church must ask itself: how are we treating and tending to the sheep in our flock? How are we helping, supporting, and empowering the body of Christ? How are we responding to feedback, conflict, and wounding?
My drawing below is an attempt to depict how complex church hurt really is:
so what does church hurt tell us about the state and strength
of the body of Christ and spiritual systems today?
The best way to examine the root causes of church hurt is to consider these “causes” through the lens of scientific variables. There are independent, dependent and controlled variables in a science experiment. The independent variables can be intentionally changed. The dependent variables are what we can measure and monitor in response to the independent variables. The controlled variables are what we keep the same, conditions that are constant.
Let’s say, for example, that a foreign entity attacks the body, and for the sake of analogy, let’s imagine that an immature believer enters the body of Christ, or that the Enemy tries to attack the church. If we consider the body, it is not necessarily a foreign entity that may cause illness. If anything, the foreign entity only seeks to reveal or expose any underlying vulnerability in the body. There may be a nutritional deficiency, unhealthy patterns and behaviours, or weakened immune system at play, that leads to the foreign entity being in a position to affect or alter the state of the body. The same is true of the church. The body of Christ may be subject to foreign agents that may bring brokenness or stir division – but these agents only reveal underlying vulnerability in the body. To suggest that the root cause of church hurt is merely sin, weak or immature believers, or the enemy is a grave misjudgement. There will always be believers at varying degrees of maturity in the body of Christ. The enemy will always be seeking to steal, kill and destroy. Sin will always threaten to enslave.
The independent variables are an opportunity for the church system to build redemptive, healing ministries and messaging into the core of their practice. The dependent variables are how the church monitors the health and journey of healing. The controlled variables will no longer be uncontrollable in nature, or hold the same level of power, when the independent variables equip the body with the tools to actively fight against sin and the enemy, and to hold firm to the truth and hope that we have in Christ.
Now, here lies the problem with a scientific approach to the church. The controlled variables, what remain constant, are not actually controlled. Usually, the controlled variables are maintained and kept the same so that the independent variables effects and influence can be measured. However, these controlled variables are uncontrolled, they are inherent, and guaranteed variables. However, there is the opportunity for the independent variables to be intentionally changed in order to equip and alter the resilience of the body of Christ.
In the body of Christ, independent variables include the structure and content of ministries (prayer, healing, missions), the content and approach of theological teaching, the format of worship and the service, etc. The dependent variables are the maturity of believers (growth metrics), i.e. serving, giving, service and attendance (note: these are not “metrics” for aspiration, but more-so metrics to measure maturity through looking at the the heart response and actions of the believers). The controlled variables, things that will not change, are the enemy and sin at war with the body of Christ.
I have tried to diagrammatically represent the relationship of these variables on growth and maturity – both in the body as a whole and in individual members of the body of Christ. There are faith-investments and priorities that, when in the heart of the believer and body of Christ, will lead to ever-increasing growth and maturity in their walk of faith. There are also faith-detractors and attacks that, when unaddressed, may lead to dips and immaturity in their walk of faith. These dips are opportunities for grace and repentance, to return to a place of obedience, and the abundant life we are invited to walk in when we walk in step with Jesus.
On this diagram, the dependent variable is the “life of faith”. We can measure the growth and maturity of the believer by looking at the opposing forces that try to influence the life of faith. On the bottom we see an example of some of the “independent variables”, what the church can influence to a degree. On the top we see the “controlled variables”, these are the knowns in the experiment, not entirely controlled, but they are controlled in that they are a constant reality to the life of faith. The attacking forces threaten to push the believer into doubt and immaturity. The counter-measures are the armour of God, and the weapons we have been given as the body of Christ to fight and remain firm on our faith foundation, that is Christ.
Now how does church hurt fit into this? Church hurt is actually an opposing force, it has the same effect as satan and sin in threatening to weaken a believer’s faith walk. There is a risk that the church does not help the believer in their walk of faith, but actually hinders them.
The ultimate aim of this journey, as John Mark Comer puts it: is to be with Jesus, become like Jesus, and do as Jesus did. The more a believer moves along their life of faith, the more time spent with Jesus, the more they will reflect the image of Christ, and the more they will bear the great mission of the commission here on earth. A believer, and the church, loses its way when it fails to remember this aim.
so let’s speak to the antidote of church hurt (and in doing so, the aim of the church):
To return to the Gospel Coalition’s four sources of church hurt: fallen world, satan, immaturity, and sinful hearts. There is a dangerous seed planted in these four sources, that suggests church hurt is inevitable. The risk is, that a fallen world, satan, immaturity, and sinful hearts become excuses. But. The scriptures also reveal another missing truth about church hurt. We have not been provided only the source of church hurt, but the solution. We have the an antidote, the answer, to a fallen world, satan, immaturity, and sinful hearts:
For a fallen world, we learn that sin does not have dominion. For in Romans 6:14-23 we read “for sin shall not have dominion over you: for you are not under the law, but under grace.” Where sin has taken dominion in the church, either in pew or pulpit, we teach and equip in truth, and remind our brothers and sisters in Christ that we have been given the Spirit to set us free from the law of sin and death [8:2]. We are under grace, not under the law of sin. Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more [Romans 5:20].
On satan, we learn that we have a deceiver and accuser [Revelation 12:10], who seeks to devour believers [1 Peter 5:8] and stir division [2 Corinthians 2:11; Ephesians 4:27]. But. We are told to be strong in the Lord and in his power, and to put on the full armour of God, so that we might stand against the devil’s schemes [Ephesians 6:10–18]. We pledge allegiance to the Saviour of the world, not to satan.
As to weak and immature believers, Paul identifies the same infancy in the early church. In his letter to Corinth he states “I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ“. But. He proceeds to declare that “only God gives the growth” and that no one is to lay a foundation other than Jesus Christ [1 Corinthians 3]. In his second letter, he goes so far as to say we are to boast in our weakness, in order that Christ’s power may rest on us, for His “power is made perfect in weakness” [2 Corinthians 12:9-10].
To the sinful heart, Jesus declares: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.” [John 14:1] and “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” [John 16:33]. We are to take heart, not lose heart – because he has overcome. We are to find peace in Him, which is, by Word and Spirit. We are not to let our hearts be troubled or burdened or enslaved to sin. We are to entrust our hearts to Him.
Ultimately, we see that the church has hope in the face of a fallen world, satan, immaturity, and sinful hearts. By reminding ourselves of the hope that we have, the healing that is accessible and possible because of Jesus, we are able to see how church hurt is a failure of grace and truth to prevail. When the body of Christ leans on our own understanding, our own power – we do not allow God’s wisdom and power to be at work. The body is called to be one – just as God is one. This oneness and unity is a challenge in a broken world. But we are to strive for unity [Ephesians 4:3], we are to be peace-makers [Matthew 5:9], we are to love our neighbour as our self.
…
There was a framework provided in the Gospel Coalition post for how to deal with “church hurt”. The framework is: to examine and understand the root causes, to grieve, to take appropriate action, and to then move forward. How incredibly vague. The root causes are limited. The appropriate actions are not provided. There is no framework for moving forward provided.
However, there is a link for the ‘moving forward’ element that takes you to a podcast, where the solution is implied in the statement “what healed me from church hurt was the church”. The risk of suggesting that the solution to church hurt is the church, is a failure to acknowledge the consequence and role of control that the church may have yielded over the hurt individual.
Now, thankfully when I listened to the podcast, I encountered a far more nuanced and probing conversation on church hurt. In the podcast, the women experientially recount and reflect on their “church hurt”, and point to the subtle power of spiritual abuse in their stories. The women acknowledge that some church environments are unsafe, toxic, manipulative, and hurtful. There is a recognition that in this instance, remaining in the church is not the answer. Especially when someone has been manipulated to stay in a church that is unhealthy. The advice in this circumstance is to seek counsel outside of the church context.
The podcast explored church hurt from both vertical (pastor/pulpit) and horizontal (congregation/pew) lens, and proceeded to unpack how to spot spiritual abuse, and how to distinguish a healthy spiritual system vs unhealthy spiritual system. There is also an acknowledgement that there may be instances where it is not the entire church (system) that is the problem, but one person in the church (part of the system). Although, I would argue that even if it is only a part of a system that is broken, then it is still a failure of the system. What in the spiritual system, the church, has created a space for hurt not healing?
The woman who first shares on the podcast reveals that as a pastor’s kid dating another pastor’s kid, there was a major fallout and fake-ness to her relational recovery in the church post the breakup. She does not, however, explore the inherent issues within the two pastoral environments that contributed to why the breakup wad handled the way it was. She describes yearning to have an “excuse” to not go to church, in order to avoid the environment all together. This hints that there were inherent issues in the church environment.
If someone has experienced church hurt, they will present with great fear, avoidance, anger, rejection, anxiety and frustration toward the context that caused them hurt. There may be noticeable changes to their attendance, contribution, and disclosure. Someone who has experienced wounding will start to put up walls, to withhold, to guard themselves, to prevent more hurt. Now. The mistake, on the part of the church, is to therefore apply a label to the one who is experiencing the church hurt, as emotionally distant, unstable or immature. Instead, what this behaviour actually reveals, is a distortion of the power and control at play within the spiritual system. What, within the church, is leading to this strong of a reaction from a believer? Such a strong desire to hide? Such a strong fear to congregate among brothers and sisters?
The common mistake that churches make when responding to church hurt, is to discredit the one who experienced the church hurt – to cast them into a narrative as “Other” to the kingdom, and as one who is working against the body of Christ. There is a risk of not just rejecting the hurting believer, abandoning them in the face of spiritual abuse, but worse, of labelling them as lost. The scriptures tell us quite a contrary testimony of how the early church treated the “Other”. Paul, actively seeking to destroy Christianity, turned from hostile to advocate. Jesus, when met with the lowly, the outcast in society, esteemed the heart of a person, not their appearance or status.
Yet the church today suffers the same problems as the early church. We are quick to judge and condemn our brothers and sisters in Christ, or those who are one heart-gesture and investment away from being our brothers and sisters in Christ. But. The aim of the Church, the Bride of Christ, is to love. We have entered into a covenant. A covenant of love. The aim of us, as a collective, is to love – one another, and God. We are bound by love.
so let’s discuss a framework to heal from church hurt:
My framework for moving forward with church hurt is different than what the Gospel Coalition has published. But, alas, I cannot request to publish a post on the Gospel Coalition because they require your church minister/elder to provide a reference prior to publication …. the irony! My framework to healing from church is:
- Christ and Christ alone. Turn to Christ, first and foremost. The Saviour of our souls. Return to the Word, and find truth in the Scriptures that speak into the words and circumstances that have wounded you. When you find truths that speak light into those dark places, memorise and commit them to your heart. Reflect and meditate on them regularly. Do not lose sight of Christ. He is the Head of the Church. Come before Christ, and centre your life on him. Re-structure your identity, reframe your worth, ensuring that is is based on him and him alone. Any other foundation for your identity and worth will crumble. Christ is a firm foundation.
- Sacred Romance. Prepare your heart. Awaken your first love. Re-kindle your relationship with God. In the beauty of the romance and love story, you will fall in love again with the body of Christ (the church). Allow your heart to heal, by his love. By his wounds, you are healed [Isaiah 53:5]. By his love, we are set free. Let your heart be redeemed, renewed, restored in right relationship.
- The Truth will set you free. Seek wisdom and understanding on your experience through counselling, fellow brothers and sisters, research and discernment. Ask the Spirit to reveal to you the root cause of your church hurt, the weapon behind your wounding. Let your scars be sealed by light and love and truth. The truth will set you free. Find the truth, the promises, to hold onto in the Word. Equip yourself, that you may also equip the saints, and share the healing and freedom and hope that you have found.
- Safe, Sacred Places. Find fellowship again. At first, this may not look the church (the building kind). But find brothers and sisters who you can confide in, godly counsel who will remind you of the power of fellowship and being found in the loving embrace of God and His people. Lean into the fear, the discomfort, and slowly let your wounds be brought into the light. Be covered in prayer, and allow those you trust in prayer to speak into your life. Slowly, your heart will be embers ready to be set alight again for kingdom work. Surround yourself with good teaching, fill your heart with worship music. Your yearning will lead you to……
- Come home. Return to the fold. Find sheep who love their Shepherd. Find brothers and sisters whose lives compel you, call you, to be on mission, to serve, to be a part of God’s kingdom here on earth. It will take time. Do not give up. Do not lose hope. Do not compromise. Do not settle for surface. Seek the depth. Seek fellowship. When you find. Oh, you will find. Your cup will be overflowing. You will be full of joy, and awe, and desire. A desire to be amongst his people. A desire to serve alongside them. You will know them by their deeds. There will be no question when you find your new home. Because it will feel just like that, like you have returned home. It will be familiar. It will be full of warmth and love. Of course, they will not be perfect. But you will recognise the fruit of obedience, and the refection of the image of Christ in them. You will see the Christ-centeredness, you will see the romance, and you will see the truth and freedom. You will want to be there – it will not be a burden, or be forced.
This. This is the framework for healing from church hurt. I do not boast or egotistically claim this as “better” than the Gospel Coalition post. I boast in Christ, and I truly believe that returning to Church, without steps 1-4, will not guarantee healing. The journey to healing is not as simple as problem to pew when the problem is who is in the pew or pulpit. The journey to healing from church hurt is reminding, re-familiarising, and re-kindling our love for Christ, renewing our vows to Christ, before returning to the body of Christ.
To quote Mark Twain, “A cat that sits on a hot stove lid won’t ever sit on a hot stove lid again. But it probably won’t sit on a cold stove lid either.” In other words, those who have experienced “church hurt” or been spiritually abused will have a hard time trusting a spiritual system again or returning to church again. So. Give them grace. Give them time. Give them love.
If they open up to you about their church hurt, don’t make assumptions about where they are on their journey to healing. Enquire after their hearts. When someone has been damaged by the church, this can also damage them spiritually. There is a deeper healing needed, a repair and restoration not just with God’s people, but even with God himself. The spiritual part of the person is what has been wounded, which means their relationship with God may be also wounded and scarred. This is why we must be so gentle, loving, and tender with our brothers and sisters who share with us that they have experienced or are experiencing church hurt.
Listen. Love. Pray. Listen. Love. Pray.
The podcast speaks to people who have experienced church hurt and say “I believe in God, but I don’t believe in the church”. The fundamental issue they have with this is that you can’t love Jesus and not love his bride. That’s like saying, I love you but I don’t agree with who you have married and so I need to keep my distance from you, extract myself from your life. Because I don’t like who you married and entered into a covenant with. Of course, put in these terms, it is equally hurtful for the hurt person to leave the church. The truth is, that Jesus so loves his bride, that he took a sacrificial vow of complete allegiance. This is a divine love we cannot help but be called to return to. But as with the prodigal son, we must not force our brothers and sisters who have left home to come home. We must wait. We must listen, love and pray. They will return. There is a call on their life. A call that we, as mere flesh and blood, cannot even understand. Do not underestimate God, and his ability to redeem. Do not underestimate his love. His love is enough, to call the lost home.
to finish:
i so long to see the body of Christ
operate in such a way that hurting
does not lead to hiding, and that a
culture is cultivated where light and
love are invited into the wounds, where
hurting is covered in prayer not accusation.
church hurt has sadly become a too-common
phenomenon in the Christian community, so much
so that it has been coined the term “church hurt”.
there is a lot of devastating stories in this movement
a lot of truly wounded and broken souls, souls who
were met with harm instead of invited into healing.
i do not want other brothers and sisters
experience the hurt i have experienced.
but i share on this blog because i know:
if we do not bring the scars
in our stories into the light,
we cannot seal our scars
with truth, love and light.
my plea to others is, if you notice someone
withdrawing from the church,
stepping down from serving,
avoiding fellowship and community.
please approach them gently, tenderly.
ask after their hearts. listen, love, pray.
instead of choosing an intervention,
choose an invitation. invite them over.
invite them to coffee. invite them to share
their heart, and what has been going on.
listen to the heart. do not apply
labels to their heart or motives.
if you choose assumption,
assume only that you do not
know their story or their scars.
give them an invitation that
gently encourages their heart
that it is a safe, sacred place
for them to share their hurt.
if you ignore, dismiss, or worse,
as was the case in my story,
fail to even enquire after another’s hurt:
do not expect the person to stay.
first, they will hide. and then,
because the hurt will become
unbearable, they will leave.
do not follow them.
pray for them.
if you did not honour their scars
when they were in front of you,
you will not honour their healing.
…
if you, or someone you love is experiencing church hurt,
can i recommend the following resources to finish:
Oakley & Humphreys (2018) Understanding Spiritual Abuse
they provide some helpful data on spiritual abuse. the findings
suggest leaders should receive training on spiritual abuse, and
that only 33% of churches had a policy that included spiritual abuse.
Johnson & VanVonderen (2005) ‘The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse’.
If you believe you may have experienced church hurt, can I encourage you to read ‘The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse’. After reading this novel, I felt equipped to identify and discern power dynamics at play for the future, while at the same time experiencing constant awe and assurance that I was not alone in my experience. This toolkit was truly a prerequisite to me being able and willing to return to church after suffering such extreme hurt and wounding from the church. This book helped me reframe the words weaponised against me, and to hold them up against the light and truth. I now see how those words were intended to harm me, not help me. The same themes explored in this book were the themes of my story. To have them so thoughtfully and gracefully contextualised into the truth – the healthy, and the grace-led spiritual system that is in complete contradiction to the performance-based, spiritually abusive system – was freeing. Read this book if you long to be free. I truly believe that the current movement of church hurt is a result of these spiritually abusive systems. I hope more who have experienced “church hurt” will find healing and hope to return to spiritually healthy systems of church as reflected as possible in this book.
finally, here are the other posts
where i have talked to this topic:
check out the behind the scenes on this blog here
