“where are you God?
i’m going to trust you, even
when i don’t understand”

[beth redman]

the story that my life
has sung of late
is one of secret tears

holding the tension
of celebrating joy
while eclipsed by pain

my heart has sung
harmonies of sorrow

even my worship
has been whispered
through broken tears

my heart has been

too fragile for hope
too broken for praise

but when my words fall short
all i can offer God is my heart

devotion born of desperation
dependance born from despair

my deep desire and need for:

saving grace
redeeming truth
transformative love
heaven-bound joy

for of my own accord:

i have no joy
i have no hope
i have nothing

i am broken, weary
emptied by grief

.

it has been eighteen months
of trying to bear life

and it feels that it is not
my body that is broken, but me

my spirit within me
is burdened by the fear

that there is something
wrong with me

something in me
that is unable to be:

saved
redeemed
restored
delivered

b u t

where did that fear
come from?

when did i start to
believe that lie
that God is not able:

to deliver me,
________________ in my hour of need

to heal me,
________________ in my brokenness

to restore me,
________________ when i’m lost

to renew my hope,
________________ when i have none left

to bring life,
________________ from ashes

to save me,
________________ when i cannot save myself

God is able

i cannot assume that He is not able
when His ways are greater than my ways

when He is all-knowing
while i live with constant
uncertainty, unknown

.

it is seasons of darkness
when the fears and lies within us
start to be exposed

God gently reveals to us
in those dark places

where we have believed a lie
instead of turning to His word,
which is a light unto our path

where we have allowed fear
to reign, instead of trusting Him

seasons of darkness

dampen our desires
quench our hope
suffocate our joy

in this season
something i love
has become
something i avoid

i love writing,
journalling, reflecting

i love extracting
all the thoughts and
worries in my mind

but for some reason,
i have been avoiding
what i know i love

am i afraid of
my own mind,
my own thoughts?

m a y b e

or maybe i am afraid
of what i will discover
buried within me

darkness
sin
despair
unfaithfulness
fear
bitterness
anger
impurity

.

i have been avoiding
and ignoring God’s voice

filling my quiet time
with lamented worship

unable to pray
without tears

unable to praise
without aching

.

i do not know why
God is not allowing
or enabling me
to fall pregnant

i do not know why
this has to be so hard

i have spent so long
wondering “if i do XYZ”

maybe then
i will fall pregnant

but i cannot
play games with God

i cannot gamble
with unanswered prayers

my conceited heart
has attempted
to remain in control

when i am very much
not in control

the vicious cycle has led
to constant striving
and failure and despair

i have believed the lie
that i am doing
something wrong

and that there is
something
wrong with me

that i am broken

that my body
is betraying me

… that God is
betraying me

and i have feared
that maybe God
does not want
this for me

and so recently
i have avoided God

(at least, avoided surrendering this part of my heart,
this hurt, this feeling of betrayal and abandonment)

in fear that He has given
me these deep desires
that He will not fulfil

i have carried the pain
afraid to surrender to Him

i have buried my fears
unable to draw near

.

in this cycle of despair
there has been the constant
confirmation of my fears

something in particular
that i have been wrestling with

is a strong desire to avoid
the surgery offered to me

in April last year, i was
first offered this option

i rejected the notion that this
medical intervention was required,
full of faith and belief that God
would enable me to fall pregnant,
and it would not be needed

yet here we are
mere days
from my surgery

and it feels wrong
it feels as though:

God has not heard my cries for mercy
my pleas to not need this surgery

God has been ignorant of my suffering
and my desire to avoid this path

God has not protected me
from pain and grief

God has not answered my prayers
and deepest hearts desires

God has not heard my fear
or heard me begging for deliverance

in the darkness of my feelings
i found myself in the proverbs

meditating
dwelling

in the truth that
whoever listens to Him

“will dwell secure
and will be at peace
without dread of disaster”

[proverbs 1:33]

whoever listens
whoever hears

whoever stills
their heart and mind
and listens to the Spirit
of the living God

whoever dwells
in His word, His truth

will dwell secure
will find security in Him

nothing else is secure
for our hope
for our hearts

and in a place of security
there is no need for fear
there is no dread
no need to worry

but if i am honest
i have dreaded disaster
i have cried many tears

asking God, “why”

why me?

why am i called
to this suffering
to this pain?

why do i have to do
the thing i do not want to do?

why do i have to have a surgery
that i do not want to have?

i have dreaded the surgery
i have dreaded the outcome
i have dreaded the disaster

but tonight

the Scriptures remind me
the Spirit convicts me

that i need to listen
i need to be still again
in His presence

i need to wait on Him

i need to find myself
in His presence
in order to find peace

and so i continue reading
soaking up the scriptures

the Word a balm for my worry
committing my fear to God

“trust in the Lord with all your heart
and do not lean on your own understanding
in all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make straight your paths”

[proverbs 3:5-6]

i have not trusted Him
i have been afraid

but i feel convicted:
do i entrust this surgery,
this outcome, to Him?

have i not been praying in such a way
that i know that if He did not want this surgery for me,
that He would have prevented it from happening?

at the start of this year i changed the way that i prayed
and started to pray that if He did want me to have this surgery
that He would provide me with a greater degree of peace and assurance

and He did

i started to be
less afraid
of the surgery

i started to become
even more convinced
that this was the next step

so you may be wondering then,
why am i so afraid of and against the surgery?

the months of waiting and hoping
has only left room for more fears to brew

i did more research,
armoured myself with knowledge

but i was leaning on
my own understanding
and my understanding is limited

i cannot rationalise myself
into a place of security

as i read in the proverbs
it is only by dwelling in Him
that i will find security

not dwelling in facts, risks,
side effects, potential outcomes
or listening to the symptoms

and so i remind myself:

if God wanted to protect me from this surgery
if i was not meant to have this surgery
then He would have made a way
because He is Sovereign, He is in control

i have to trust Him in this

it doesn’t mean
that i’m not really scared
and i don’t want to have it

it doesn’t mean
that it doesn’t still feel cruel
that i am forced into this position
where i feel like i have no choice

it doesn’t mean
that i’m not questioning whether
this is still what He wants for me

it doesn’t mean
i’m okay with this

i have to trust Him in this
even when i don’t understand

even when i am assaulted by more and more
pregnancy announcements on my feed

even while i see everyone else
falling pregnant seemingly easily

while i have been
waiting, enduring
for 18 months

that’s 36 fortnights

of tracking, monitoring
of endless cycles
of disappointment
of grief and loss
of soul destroying despair

of pain and symptoms
that threaten to send me to Sheol

.

and i find myself there, in Sheol
in the pit of tears, of desolation

time and time again
crying out to God

“why”

why are you keeping me here?
why are you not delivering me from this situation?

“where”

where are you, God?
where is your Way-Making, Miracle-Paving?

do i trust you? i want to
do i understand? no 

one day i may
but right now

it’s all just too hard
it’s too much

it’s been hard
to function
to pretend

i have been broken down
for so long
that i am not myself

i am blind in my own pain
that i cannot see the pain of others

the only way to survive
to come across as “okay”
is to pretend
in every single interaction
that i am fine
when i’m not

i’m not fine

i’m fragile
i’m broken

i have been destroyed

i am no longer sure
what the point is

i am no longer sure
if i want this

is this what God wants?
because it doesn’t feel good

i do not understand

i grasp for rationales
for reasons
but i have none

and so the proverb tells me
to acknowledge him 

but how?

when i keep entering this void
this liminal space between
hope and despair

forever crushed
forever destroyed

unable to hold onto hope
unable to turn to Him

unsure why He isn’t
honouring this hope

unsure how to continue
to trust Him in this

unsure why He would
allow so many others
this blessing, but not me

unsure what He wants me to do

whether i am
meant to give up

whether this is not
meant to be
a desire of my heart

b u t

tell me why
it hurts so much?
if it is not meant to
be a desire fulfilled?

a desire so deep
that all i can do is
breathe tears

whispering my pain
through worship music

ignoring His Word
ignoring Him

because i cannot bear the thought
that He might have something
different in store for me
than i have in store for me?

.

so how do i acknowledge Him?

how do i invite Him into
this darkness
this despair

when He has the power
to deliver me
from this darkness?

do i acknowledge Him in my hope?
do i acknowledge Him in my pain?

if i acknowledge:

His power
His control
His sovereignty
His goodness

how can i acknowledge Him in this?

where it feels like
He is withholding:

His power
His control
His sovereignty
His goodness

His ability to change the outcome
His ability to bless us with a child
His ability to prevent me from harm

it is hard to see this surgery
as something that is good

but it may be necessary
it may be that i need it
that there is in fact
(as i deeply fear)
something wrong with me

it may be that this surgery
is a good thing
and something He wants for me

but it doesn’t feel good
and this reminds me
that i cannot hold my
feelings above God

feelings are not
good gods to follow

only God is good

not my feelings
not my reasoning
not my fears
not my rationales

but that doesn’t mean
i am free of feeling

i feel afraid
i am afraid

but how do i listen to Him
instead of listening to my feelings?

my feelings are so loud
my fear is so noisy

i cannot quiet my mind

if i sit still in His presence
long enough
under the balm of worship

all i do is fall into tears
instead
of falling on my knees

all i can do is weep
myself into dehydration
numbing my despair

.


but i find in the proverbs
more truth for my soul:

“hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life”

[proverbs 13:12]

my heart is sick
sick with grief
sick with worry

it is a sick heart
in need of healing

a healing that can only be granted
by the giver of Life himself
the breath of life that bore life into the limbs
of this world, of me, is the only One
who can deliver me Life

for now, He has given me
this gift of a breath, to nurture

some day soon, He may give me
the gift of live, to grow

until then:

i am a tree with roots
buried in the dirt
engulfed by darkness

but once light is attainable
within reach

i will be like that tree
a tree of life

my desire fulfilled
my body filled with life

in my darkness this week
i had a revelation
that my hurt and sorrow
had a root cause
a deep-seated fear
of abandonment

specifically, that God
had abandoned me
had forgotten me

because in this infertility
it feels as if He doesn’t see me,
or my heart, or my desires

b u t

i know that He is not a God of absence
it’s not in His nature to abandon

although it feels that way, if anything
it is me that has abandoned Him

i have struggled to trust and believe
that He is in control of this situation
and that He is still sovereign over it

i realised also, that His people in Babylon
had far more reason
to feel abandoned than i do in my situation

His people spent 70 years in exile
God tried to prepare them, to warn them

He also tried to assure them
and encourage them

“i will fulfil my promise to you
and bring you back to this place.

for i know the plans i have for you,
declares the Lord, plans for your
welfare and not for evil, to give
you a hope and a future”

[jeremiah 29:10-11]

God had given them a promise
deliverance from exile

and God wanted them to know
that He was not abandoning them

He was reminding them
that He was a deliverer

that He has plans with
intricate knowledge
(which we do not have)

that He has not forgotten them
or abandoned them

that He has not left them
with their own plans or reasoning
or left them to their own understanding
or left them on their own

n o

He is reminding them
that He is with them
in their season of exile

when He feels far gone
when He feels distant

He wants them to know:

they are not alone
they are not outside of His promises
they are not abandoned
they are not forgotten

He is reminding them that
He has plans that are good,
not for harm or punishment

He wants His people to have hope,
to look to what lies ahead,
what He has for them

how does this translate to us?
how does this minister to us?

there may be seasons where
it may feel like God has abandoned us

seasons of darkness
that feel like absence

but darkness is not
the absence of light

darkness is what reveals
what truly gives Light

God has plans for each of us
plans that He knows, while we
do not have the full knowledge
and understanding of the plans

our minds and hearts are not
always “enlightened”
but we know that in Him we
can find light for our path

we have to trust that God’s plans
are good, even when it doesn’t
seem good or feel good at the time

He has plans to give
us hope, a future

He has plans for us
in the darkness
in the wilderness
in the exhile

He has hope for us
in those places where
we feel hope-less, where
we feel He is not near

.

as i reflected on these scriptures
God gave me a vision of this season:

it is as though i am in a dark forest
and i cannot see the path ahead

i cannot see where my feet are going
there are no footsteps to follow

there is only the whisper of His voice

reminding me of who He is,
of His love His promises

though i could not see Him,
i could feel His presence
even in the darkness

if i continued to listen to Him
the still, small voice

i was able to continue
despite my fear
despite the darkness

i continued walking through
that scary forest

in the knowledge that
He was leading me through it

He quieted me with His love
His word a lamp unto my feet

He was delivering me
like He has delivered His people
all throughout the Scriptures

i need not fear:

schemes to throw me down
snares laid to seize
a trap in the path
terror on every side
chases at the heels
calamity ready for my stumbling

[job 18:5-12]

for the Lord is my Light
He leads me
when all else seems dark

He brings forth light
on the right path

[psalm 37:6]

we are never alone
nor abandoned

b u t

if we spend too much time
focusing on that darkness
or the lack of direction
we will lose sight of Him
His protection and provision
even in our darkest hours

only He can lead us
to green pastures

and when dawn breaks
when light returns

we will see how He led us
through the darkness
safely delivering us from harm

we just need
to trust Him

we just need to commit
to following Him
wherever He may lead

whether through dark forests
or green pastures

whether through snares
or by streams of living water

“commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him and He will act”

[psalm 37:5]

we just need to:

seek Him
trust Him
commit to Him
draw near to Him

a n d

allow Him to lead us
not our fears

it can be so easy to listen
to our fears
to the darkness
that threatens to overwhelm

the Enemy wants us afraid
distracted, on edge
so that we are not still enough
to hear God’s voice and promises:

to lead us
to guide us
to strengthen us
to give us exactly what we need

while i didn’t want
to walk this dark forest
i know that darkness
is a consequence
of a fallen world

there is a very real spiritual war
the Enemy is seeking to claim
the territory of our hearts and minds
to win souls for eternal destruction

he wants us to remain afraid, lost
stuck in the darkness and in sin

but God is our deliverer
the lover of our souls

His desire is to lead us
into eternal salvation

“O Lord my God, i cried to you
for help, and you have healed me.

O Lord, you have brought
up my soul from Sheol,
you restored me to life
from among those
who go down to the pit.”

[psalm 30:2-3]

He can help
He can heal
He can restore

when we feel alone
caught up in the darkness
overwhelmed by the shadows
we can cry out to Him
knowing that He not only hears
but He sees and knows
what we are feeling
what we are going through

and how to acknowledge Him in it?

learning, practicing, mirroring
the words of the psalmist:

“i trust in the Lord. i will rejoice in the Lord
and be glad in Your steadfast love, because
you have seen my affliction; you have known
the distress of my soul, and you have not
delivered me into the hand of the enemy,
you have set my feet in a broad place”

[psalm 31:7-8]

.
this is the antidote
to the darkness:

“Your word is a lamp
to my feet and
a light to my path.”

[psalm 119:105]

He longs to shine
truth into our soul

and the psalms and proverbs
truly ministered to me
and corrected me

reminding me
how to praise
how to acknowledge
how to commit
all things to Him

He is not absent
His is a refuge

He is waiting for us
to take shelter in Him
to draw near to Him

so let these truths
coral our souls:

“You are a hiding place for me;
You preserve me from trouble;
You surround me with shouts of deliverance

I will instruct you and teach you
in the way your should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you”

[psalm 32:7-8]

when we lack answers and clarity
when we lack understanding and knowledge
when we desire deliverance from this broken world

let Him instruct and teach us the Way
let Him counsel us, for He is all-seeing, all-knowing
and we can trust Him to guide us, to lead us

“He is a shield to those who walk in integrity,
guarding the paths of justice
and watching over the way of His saints”

[proverbs 2:7-8]

He guards
He watches over
He shields
He protects

“do not lose sight of these:
keep sound wisdom and discretion,
and they will be life for your soul
add adornment for your neck.

then you will walk on your way securely
and your foot will not stumble

if you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

do not be afraid of sudden terror
or the ruin of the wicked, when it comes

for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught”

[proverbs 3:21-26]

to finish, here are some Christian
thought-leaders on this topic:

“do not interpret the stretching as abandonment.
God never leaves anyone—ever.
we only become aware of His presence slowly.”

[dallas willard]

“ultimately these feelings rest on the bedrock that i am alone with what i feel,
and no one is coming to my aid. Shame undergirds other affective states because
of its relationship to being left. and to be abandoned ultimately is to be in hell.”

[curt thompson]

.

i love this reflection on C.S Lewis Institute on the question of
“where is God in the silence?” “where is God in our hour of need?”

“‘why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very
absent a help in time of trouble? … the real danger is of coming to believe
such dreadful things about Him. the conclusion i dread is not ‘so there’s
no God after all,’ but ‘so this is what God’s really like. deceive yourself no longer.’”

there is so much brokenness,
deception and darkness in this world

the Enemy truly wants us
to remain in the darkness
to be deceived into believing
that God is not good

.

something i was brought up
believing was that it is not only
God who has a plan for our lives
… Darkness has a plan to

so when we experience
seasons of darkness
we have to be seeking God
turning to Him in prayer:

“God, I want your plan and purpose
for me, for my life, to prevail. i want
to hold onto You and Your promises,
to come under Your Word, which is
a Light in the darkness of this world”

.

the rise in infertility is evidence of
the plan that Darkness has to claim life

to rates of divorce is evidence
the Enemy wants our desires
and our hearts to be divided
for us to believe the lie
that Love is not steadfast

but let us not be led astray
let us not be deceived
for He is not a God

who abandons
who forsakes

He is a God of love
a God of goodness
a God of refuge

our Father of Lights
in seasons of darkness

.
.
.

end note: this post does not explore as deeply as i would like, the fear of abandonment.
this was simply written in a season of living this fear, and replacing this fear with truth.

i have chosen to reserve this blog post title for a future blog, where i will explore this
on a deeper level, both from the lens of fear of abandonment physically and spiritually.

i will also explore in a dedicated blog the “theology of suffering”

.

read my previous post on this topic: treasures of darkness

you can watch the behind the scenes of this blog here