how willing am i

as i walk out into the blinding light
i start to adapt
to allow the sunshine
to touch my skin
to penetrate me
with warmth and radiance
as i walk i allow this glory
to create in me a renewed vision

i start to see the world differently
when i step out into the light
when i allow it to transform
how i feel, how i see

as i walk i start to realise
my mistake
i had not walked
from the darkness into the light
i had walked
from my cool confine into the heat
the sun was not blinding and shining
it was burning
what was this double edged sword we call light?

why had i
waited in the comfort, the cool
for so long
why had i
not timed my walk
when the daylight was new, or ending
when the sun was rising, or setting

as the light penetrates my skin
i allow it to pierce my comfort
and remind me of my thirst

i was not aware of all that was within me
that could so easily come out of me:
exasperated breath, heavy sighs

i am suffocating in my toxicity
( sweat )

when i remain in comfort
i am not pressed by fire
nor exposed by the light
instead i can remain hidden
from the reality of my thirst
i can deny my need for filling
for refreshment and renewal

as the light penetrates my skin
i allow it to pierce my comfort
how willing am i to be
p i e r c e d
all the way through?

as i walk in the blinding light
i search my thirst
why am i so thirsty?
where am i searching for filling?

as i walk in the blinding light
my desires are at war in me
there are shadows in my soul
a wrestling match between
my flesh and spirit
my mind and body
my heart and soul

i am at war with
my own will:

how willing am i
to be pierced all
the way through
to be pierced as
my Saviour was:
not pierced with
w r a t h
but pierced with
l o v e

how willing am i
to let this love
(my Saviour’s blood)
be enough?

how willing am i
to let this love
fill my cup
that i may never
thirst again?

how willing am i
to depart from darkness

how willing am i
to confront my comforts

how willing am i
to redirect my desire
and to be found
in a holy desire
with a holy fire

how willing am i
to deny myself:
of my bodies ailments and woes
of my minds spirals and vulnerability to lies
of my hearts weariness and craving for love

i am so very thirsty
which is why i need
to deny myself
to take up my cross

to choose to put to death
all that is in me
that does not produce life

to choose to confront death
and what truly matters
on this side of eternity

to see death for what it truly is:
not a thief like i had always believed
taking loved ones, stealing lives prematurely
but instead seeing death as a beautiful gate

a beautiful gate that opens and shuts
and which can lead only two places:
one: towards eternity with god
two: towards eternity without god

it is so easy to miss this simplicity
this is the essence of what it means
to have faith
this is the truth of our salvation
our deliverance from sin and death

we make life all about
the give and take
when it’s about this gate

see the cross of Christ
is a gatekeeping act

here Jesus makes a way
for us to enter that gate
into eternity with God

we would have reason
to fear the blinding light
and the consuming fire of God
and the darkness of this age
without the cross of Christ

without Jesus’
w i l l i n g n e s s
to go into
both gates:

for he descended
into hell
on the third day
he rose again
from the dead
he ascended
into heaven
and is seated
at the right hand
of God the Father

(see apostles creed here)
(ephesians 4:9, acts 2:24)

we have a gatekeeper
who has chosen
to stand between us
and anything
that tries to separate us
from the love of god

for not life, not death
not angels, nor demons
can now seperate us
can stand against
the cross
the empty grave
and that gate
for Jesus
has made a way
(romans 8:31-9)

I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

there is a heavenly outpour of God’s love at the cross
that sacred, yet gruesome place: a rugged cross
where Jesus denied himself, sacrificed himself
choosing to put his Father’s will before his own

how willing am i
to say the same
“not my will, but yours”

not my way, but yours
not my hopes, but yours
not my dreams, but yours
not my desires, but yours
not my glory, but yours

maybe i am asking
the wrong question
how willing am i?

maybe i do not need
to search my thirst
but answer my thirst:

i am willing, how?

i am willing
to be filled

i am willing
to follow you

Jesus was so secure
in his Father’s love
Jesus was so sure
of his Father’s power
that he was able
to walk out of that gate
step down from heaven
and eternity with God
choosing to be with us
instead of with God
he was willing to do this
so that we might have
the same opportunity
to be with God and
come before his throne
to join him in his Father’s house
to enter into eternity with our Maker

Jesus reminds us
of what it means
to taste this eternity
here and now
when he calls us
into the act of

for to abide in him
is to abide in this truth:

the salvation of our souls
the power of the cross
the beauty of an empty grave
the amazing grace of God

to abide in him
is to abide in assurance
the Spirit the guarantee
of our divine adoption
and eternal inheritance

for Jesus’ invitation to follow him
is not only one for us to abide IN him
but to abide WITH him forevermore

here and now
on this side of eternity and suffering
God is preparing us for this place
the other side of that gate
where we shall abide with him
where we shall dwell in his house
where there shall be no more suffering

here and now
he has set eternity in our hearts
he has sent his Spirit to guide us
into the truth of eternal life
and he also sends us to speak truth
to bear his name, as his children
to declare to this dark world
a deliverance from darkness
the salvation for our souls
the atonement of our sins

we are witnesses of his withness
for he is our immanuel, god with us

until we see him face-to-face
on the other side of that gate:

we witness to his life and death
we witness to his resurrection power
we witness to his presence

so as i keep walking in the light
i start to see
why the light is blinding
why the heat is scorching
i am a creature of comfort
i crave security, stability
i want ease, relief from suffering
i do not want to enter into it
it is not my natural tendency
to deny myself
to take up my cross
to follow my gatekeeper
it is not my natural tendency
to ignore my fleshly desires
to clothe myself in love
to listen to truth
and to allow:
truth to read me, truth to unravel me
light to read me, light to unravel me
the Spirit to read me, the Spirit to unravel me

the light is exposing
the heat is purifying

the day is revealing
of the deeds of night
nothing done in secret
will remain in darkness
i cannot hide from this:
this eternal calling

to the life beyond the grave
to the life beyond the gate

how willing am i
to be pierced?

i am willing, how?
purify me
in my sinful wandering
and darkened walking

i am willing, how?
jesus teach me
to abide
to deny myself
to take up my cross
and to follow you

i am willing, how?
jesus teach me
to listen to you
and to let your truth
transform me

i am willing, how?
jesus teach me
the eternal way of things
your gatekeeping nature

i am willing, how?
spirit remind me
of the kingdom i belong to
the king i belong to

maybe you’re also on a journey
of deconstructing the “how to”
of marrying desire and discipline
of reconciling heaven and earth

may you also need to be reminded
why we follow him

we follow him because he tells us:
that he has overcome the world
that we can take heart

(john 16:33)
that darkness cannot comprehend light
that darkness cannot overcome light

( john 1:5)
that he is the light of the world
that whoever follows him will not walk in darkness
that whoever follows him will have the light of life

( john 8:12)
and that we too are now children of light
( 1 thes. 5:5 )

we follow him and we serve him, we glorify him
because we have seen the eternal joy
and we know the divine mystery of SALVATION
the glorious grace that paves the way for us
to enter that gate into eternal life, eternity with God

now we are the light of the world
we witness to his withness
because we show others this way

when we fan the flame within
we are torches for our gatekeeper
glorifying what is found
on the otherside of the grave
the otherside of the gate
illuminating eternal intimacy

we shine with a deeper revelation
we glow with a greater understanding
of life and death here on this earth
because we know the purpose and plan
of our Father of Lights ( james 1:17):

Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.

His desire for all to know Him
and to enter into that first gate
to be welcomed home to His family 
to be partakers in His light and glory

and to be His: CHILDREN OF LIGHT

the cross and empty grave
are symbolic of the new life
the ETERNAL life
we are called to partake in

for God entered the world
and emptied her dark womb of power
that we may be born again
into a kingdom
that has everlasting light
and grace

and truth
and purpose
and hope
and glory for us

for God entered the world
and God so loved the world
that he gave her his life, his son
that we too may become his children


so if you find yourself
walking or wondering
surviving or thriving
in the cool comfort of here
the empty echo of now:
may you too turn to the cross
allow it to etch into your heart
that deep place where eternity is set
turn and allow yourself to burn
with a desire for life and love and light
to transform your inner being
turn and allow yourself
to confront the deeds of darkness
in your heart, soul, mind and body
and be found in the light and love
of our Lord and Jesus Christ

remember that the light is all the more blinding
when we become too accustomed to the dark womb

i am willing
to become unaccustomed
to confront my comforts
to depart from darkness
to witness to his withness

are you?

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