liquid words.

there are these tears 

i can’t let them fall

go back to where you came from

these wounds can’t bear the salt

don’t rub it in

it already hurts

i ache 

i break

he slashed my heart

it wasnt a waste of my time

or a waste of my money

i don’t regret this

but i want to forget it

can’t decipher this

how to make disciples 

how to love the least of these

when they do not receive mercy 


i am so grieved 

he had wobbly knees

they went inwards not forwards

he wore red

stained by death

there was something on his back

a black weight

he walked up to me and asked for coins

he didnt look in my eyes

he was looking at where my headphones led

to the phone and purse in my bag

he wouldn’t look at me still as i took out my headphones

he repeated his phrase

will you spare some coins for the homeless?

i longed for him to just look at me

show me your eyes

show me your soul

i asked what do you need?

he stated again that he was homeless

that he tried to pay for breakfast in the cafe 

but didn’t have $10 for the meal

so I looked across to the cafe nearby 

a line of drinks were on display

i said let’s go over to this cafe

what would you like? 

he said a juice for breakfast

apple blackcurrent

great, let’s get that one then

a fumbling exchange 

barely enough change

few coins 

handing over the glass bottle

“God bless you” i say

then i walk away

five steps and i hear a bang

a crash

i think my heart had a train wreck

i keep walking



i walk until i am across the path 

to wait

wait for my friend

wait for answers 

the man is there


waking up to the swarming people at the station

the glass bottle is no where in sight

there is a bin close by

was that the bang?

i am afraid to move

he is hovering

i want to go to the cafe

to ask the lady if she saw what happened

i am crying

i am confused 

my chest heaves

i blink ferociously

no tears 

no tears 

what happened here?

i finally get up the courage to cross

to go back to the cafe

to ask what happened

and she confirms my nightmare

my humiliation

my horror

my hurt


what could I have done differently

what did or didn’t I say?

why does this hurt so much?

i realise it is more than the bottle

more than the man

it is the soul that suffers

from one soul to another

i sense his suffering

i sense his separation

and i suffer 

as i long for him to see

to receive

to believe

to not reject mercy street

 there in the washing room

green light filtering through



darkness surrounds 

rays only peak through

the cycle starts

the machine fills




it drips down the cheeks now

a salty release

i lick my lips

the wound stings

the rejections pangs

the heart strings pulled

this way

that way

i weep

there in the washing room

i have never weeped like so

deeply grieved

broken inside

the glass shards piercing the soul

at the realisation 

that he rejected the call

the call of love

the motion of mission

everyone needs compassion 

but he rejected it

he spat on the kindness 

what do i do

the saliva sticks

it sears

he rubs mud in his holes  

he won’t heal

he fills his emptiness 

with that mess

the world his source of fulfillment 

oh child

i see these tears you cry

your tears are liquid words to me

golden drops of grace 

my child

my daughter

shake off the dust from your feet

but Lord i see the dust!

i see the dirt

it clings so tight to his skin 

and it’s on my feet too

you washed your disciples feet

let me follow your lead 


why won’t he let me wipe it?

why does he leave it there?

why did he refuse my care?

why does he keep looking elsewhere 

the kingdom of God is near

won’t he hear?

thankyou Lord

i do not need to fear

you are here 

you hold my heart 

you cherish it

it is dear

but it hurts God

is this how you grieve?

how you weep and have mercy 

that your people might hear!

that they might not reject 

and throw back in your face

your amazing grace

oh Lord

relieve me of this pain

this burden is not mine to bear

their salvation is in your care 

call them to yourself

may they draw near to you

and receive your truth

let these tears be a collection 

a prayer of falling pearls 

“Lord, you know all my desires and deepest longings.
My tears are liquid words and you can read them all”

– Psalm 38:9

Note: There was even more turbulence to this emotionally-charged day, but I will spare the story. All there is to say is that God is good. Mamabear received a passage, “shake the dust off your feet” (Matthew 10:14) while I spoke to Papabear about my morning. When she discovered later from Papa some of the happenings of my day, she sent it to me, because she realised it wasn’t mean’t for her. From there I spent the afternoon in fellowship with other believers across two services, one of which I do not normally attend. But God wanted me to be there. The topic? Rejection. The passage? Mark 6:7-13 (see verse 11…!!). All there is to say is that God is good. 

Respond from the Heart