there are these tears
i can’t let them fall
go back to where you came from
these wounds can’t bear the salt
don’t rub it in
it already hurts
i ache
i break
he slashed my heart
it wasnt a waste of my time
or a waste of my money
i don’t regret this
but i want to forget it
i can’t decipher this
how to make disciples
how to love the least of these
when they do not receive mercy
ah!
i am so grieved
he had wobbly knees
they went inwards not forwards
he wore red
stained by death
there was something on his back
a black weight
he walked up to me and asked for coins
he didnt look in my eyes
he was looking at where my headphones led
to the phone and purse in my bag
he wouldn’t look at me still as i took out my headphones
he repeated his phrase
will you spare some coins for the homeless?
i longed for him to just look at me
show me your eyes
show me your soul
i asked what do you need?
he stated again that he was homeless
that he tried to pay for breakfast in the cafe
but didn’t have $10 for the meal
so I looked across to the cafe nearby
a line of drinks were on display
i said let’s go over to this cafe
what would you like?
he said a juice for breakfast
apple blackcurrent
great, let’s get that one then
a fumbling exchange
barely enough change
few coins
handing over the glass bottle
“God bless you” i say
then i walk away
five steps and i hear a bang
a crash
i think my heart had a train wreck
i keep walking
afraid
confused
i walk until i am across the path
to wait
wait for my friend
wait for answers
the man is there
wobbling
waking up to the swarming people at the station
the glass bottle is no where in sight
there is a bin close by
was that the bang?
i am afraid to move
he is hovering
i want to go to the cafe
to ask the lady if she saw what happened
i am crying
i am confused
my chest heaves
i blink ferociously
no tears
no tears
what happened here?
i finally get up the courage to cross
to go back to the cafe
to ask what happened
and she confirms my nightmare
my humiliation
my horror
my hurt
why?
what could I have done differently
what did or didn’t I say?
why does this hurt so much?
i realise it is more than the bottle
more than the man
it is the soul that suffers
from one soul to another
i sense his suffering
i sense his separation
and i suffer
as i long for him to see
to receive
to believe
to not reject mercy street
there in the washing room
green light filtering through
growth?
goodness?
darkness surrounds
rays only peak through
the cycle starts
the machine fills
water
cleansing
purifying
it drips down the cheeks now
a salty release
i lick my lips
the wound stings
the rejections pangs
the heart strings pulled
this way
that way
i weep
there in the washing room
i have never weeped like so
deeply grieved
broken inside
the glass shards piercing the soul
at the realisation
that he rejected the call
the call of love
the motion of mission
everyone needs compassion
but he rejected it
he spat on the kindness
what do i do
the saliva sticks
it sears
he rubs mud in his holes
he won’t heal
he fills his emptiness
with that mess
the world his source of fulfillment
oh child
i see these tears you cry
your tears are liquid words to me
golden drops of grace
my child
my daughter
shake off the dust from your feet
but Lord i see the dust!
i see the dirt
it clings so tight to his skin
and it’s on my feet too
you washed your disciples feet
let me follow your lead
but
why won’t he let me wipe it?
why does he leave it there?
why did he refuse my care?
why does he keep looking elsewhere
the kingdom of God is near
won’t he hear?
thankyou Lord
i do not need to fear
you are here
you hold my heart
you cherish it
it is dear
but it hurts God
is this how you grieve?
how you weep and have mercy
that your people might hear!
that they might not reject
and throw back in your face
your amazing grace
oh Lord
relieve me of this pain
this burden is not mine to bear
their salvation is in your care
call them to yourself
may they draw near to you
and receive your truth
let these tears be a collection
a prayer of falling pearls
“Lord, you know all my desires and deepest longings.
My tears are liquid words and you can read them all”
– Psalm 38:9
Note: There was even more turbulence to this emotionally-charged day, but I will spare the story. All there is to say is that God is good. Mamabear received a passage, “shake the dust off your feet” (Matthew 10:14) while I spoke to Papabear about my morning. When she discovered later from Papa some of the happenings of my day, she sent it to me, because she realised it wasn’t mean’t for her. From there I spent the afternoon in fellowship with other believers across two services, one of which I do not normally attend. But God wanted me to be there. The topic? Rejection. The passage? Mark 6:7-13 (see verse 11…!!). All there is to say is that God is good.
