i have forgotten what it means to trust;
to trust others,
to trust myself,
even,
to trust God,
…
i have forgotten what it means to believe;
to believe someones words or deeds,
or to believe they say what they mean,
or do what they say.
…
i have forgotten what it means to see;
to see the purpose and intent,
to see the promise and reason why.
…
i have not only forgotten what it means
to trust and believe and see,
i have also forgotten what it looks like;
to hold onto goodness and mercy
to love truth and justice
to thirst for righteousness
to seek first the kingdom of God
…
…
…
i have forgotten
…
…
…
i have forgotten;
what it looks like to find joy in fellowship
or have deep accountability in community
…
i have forgotten;
how to have communion with others
and with God
…
i have forgotten;
how to pray and ask for help
…
…
…
i have lost the understanding, the conviction
i have failed to hear the still, small voice
…
…
…
i have longed for it
but i have not fully forgotten it
i have heard it
but i have not fully understood it
…
…
…
of course i have not forgotten everything
if anything
it just feels like it
because
i do remember many things;
…
i remember
the peace that surpasses all understanding
i remember
the satiation that only comes from living water
i remember
the resonating revelations of truth and life
…
i remember
the work of the Spirit in me, changing me,
helping me to see things differently, to respond differently,
i remember
the power that is not my own,
enabling me to love even when it’s hard
…
i remember
…
i do
…
b u t
i am struggling to see that change, that power, that love
at work in me and through me
i have not seen fruit
i am only seeing weeds
b u t
there are still seeds

i am scared to share this, but maybe this is a form of accountability
maybe this is a way of saying, to anyone who is reading:
…
hey,
i’m not sure where i’m at spiritually
and i’m scared
but maybe i’m struggling
so that i keep searching deeper
in the face of distance and doubt
…
…
…
i have been crying out to God, asking for Him to change me
because i know there is a lot that has changed in me
and there is a lot that needs changing
…
i’m not where i used to be
…
and maybe
the reason i keep forgetting and spiralling
is because i am not seeing any change
i am not getting any hope or direction
i am no longer even seeing the wrong in my living
though something christian-ese in me says it is wrong
…
perhaps somewhere along the way,
i stopped living by faith and not by sight
and started walking by sight and not faith
…
i still sense the Spirit is stirring something new in me
…
but why does my heart not rejoice in faithfulness?
where is my peace and confidence in conviction?
where is the desire to chase after righteousness?
…
i am unsettled,
unsure what exactly it is that has shifted
this has led me to this place
…
i am not the person i was, or have been
and something in me is screaming
because i don’t like how i’ve changed
i don’t like who i’ve become
…
there is something bittersweet here
i know there is something missing
my life is not where i want it to be
…
…
…
if i were to summarise the period of silence on here
( i haven’t been posting much)
it would be words like:
confusion, betrayal, hurt, deception, loneliness, rejection
but also, some words like:
discovery, joy, curiosity, boundaries, growth, refinement
…
…
…
i’ve had a lot of first-time experiences recently,
things i have avoided previously and have been forced to confront:
…
♥  navigating complicated relational dynamics and dramas
♥  stepping into conflict (which for a conflict-avoider is not a comfortable place)
♥   learning how to seperate my own worth from other’s actions and words
♥  going on dates (yes haven’t done this before send help and cue cards 😛 )

let’s just say it’s been one of the most challenging but rewarding seasons
…
i can see that it feels like i am struggling spiritually,
when i compare myself to my pure, perfect christian bubble of the past
but i can see in part,
how this season may be paving the way for deeper intimacy with God
…
previously,
when i avoided a lot of the messy things in life,
i was able to retain a sense of control
but i didn’t realise there were so many strongholds in my life
idols in hiding
…
i held onto christian perfection and purity for prideful reasons
mostly driven by fear of disobedience and wrongdoing
not by a fear of God
…
i feared that confronting these areas and losing control would lead to sin
but if anything,
not confronting these areas was sinful and separating me from God
…
i didn’t believe in his sovereignty over these things
i didn’t trust him enough to touch the messy
i feared that it would make me imperfect, impure, unrighteous
…
how ironic
how shortsighted
…
the knowledge of Grace is still settling into my soul
i am learning that i am already imperfect, impure, unrighteous
so avoiding mess doesn’t work in the reality of this messed up world
i can deny it any longer
…
…
so i started digging deeper
under the buried dirt and denied mess
to ask myself:
why did i avoid these things?!
…
…
♥  i didn’t want to navigate complicated relationships and confront issues because i wanted to “love”
– but what if staying in hurtful relationships and not dealing with complications is the opposite of love?

♥  i didn’t want to step into conflict because i didn’t want to cause division or attack someone
– but what if conflict is a way of dealing with deeper issues that won’t otherwise be uprooted and healed?

♥  i didn’t want to think too highly of myself or let pride creep in
– but what if humbling yourself before God means first stepping up to see yourself the way God sees you, not letting others bring you down?

♥  i didn’t want to date (correction: i did but i was scared to)
– because of trust issues (see this previous post)
– and because i didn’t want to lead people on, didn’t believe i was date-worthy, etc.
– but what if dating is learning to give people a chance, learning to let people in, learning to trust?
– what if we put too much pressure on dating in a christian context that it only invites fear, withholding, confusion and shame?

**** just sayin’: going on a date does not mean you are committing to marrying the person ****

it is safe to say, in summary, i am learning:
that even though i don’t feel as close to God right now,
it is okay
because is am in a season of learning to let go of barriers to intimacy
…
…
…
so maybe i have not forgotten like i thought
maybe i am just letting go of what i thought intimacy was
(within the bounds of my existing belief, and the container of my own control)
and learning instead to invite intimacy and uncertainty and mystery into faith
because we can’t see clearly in the messy
but we can continue to walk by faith, not by sight
…
…
…

now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is dismantled,
we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.
for in this tent we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling,
because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.
so while we are in this tent, we groan under our burdens,
because we do not wish to be unclothed but clothed,
so that our mortality may be swallowed up by life.
and God has prepared us for this very purpose
and has given us the Spirit as a pledge of what is to come.
therefore we are always confident, although we know
that while we are at home in the body, we are away from the Lord.
for we walk by faith, not by sight.
…
2 CORINTHIANS 5:1-7

end note:
so i wrote the start of this post a few weeks ago.
since then, i have been more actively seeking, engaging.
coming to God in prayer. pondering his Word in devotions.
challenging myself by reading theological essays.
faith is a journey, essentially. that’s the tldr;