alternative realities + kingdom dreams

Sometimes I dream intense dreams.

The kind of dreams where you wake in the early hours of the morning.

I’ve had a few of those this week.

And I’m still recovering. Still suffering.

From lack of sleep. From processing through writing.

So here’s to some emotional 5-AM ramblings

I’m in some alternative reality

Where I’m moving between worlds

Here people associate themselves with the enemy 

~ and ~

I’m letting them near

I’m getting emotionally attached

And it’s dangerous

And it’s seductive

They’re showing me things

The Forgiven One is there

Showing me a tsunami on this slice of paradise

~ an isle of idols ~

We sit there behind these hills

And her pen is poised

She is waiting

Ready to  watch the ocean wrap over

Over the people in front of us

Over the beach

So we’re waiting

~ until ~

We’re watching them be consumed

And she captures it

Then she asks

If another one will come

We detach ourselves from destruction

We distance ourselves from disaster

We are bystanders of death

Why do we fear drawing near

When salvation is possible

Instead of speaking 

Instead of moving

We sit and watch

We don’t even say

~ goodbye ~ 


There are others in this alternative reality

We are all waiting to go somewhere

So I play with them

Wanting to be a part of it

But I am aware that I need to go

So I put on my robe

The shiny one

Then I hide face

Here there is fear of another kind

We fear showing our naked selves

I want to say something

But we’re running late

I’ve been fooling myself

~ time tempts me ~


I find myself deciphering the code

Are we children of chaos

Or is sonship beyond sight

I doodle in my dark monsoon past

Words in watercolour

He is there

He comes over to me

He sits next to me

~ waiting ~

Not saying anything

This alternate reality has demons

So I am fighting


And it is so hard

~ trust issues arise ~

I don’t know enough for me to trust

Do I truly know his heart?

Why did he open himself

Why did he give himself

Do I know him?

If he is safe

He left

Will he return

Can I keep loving him?

So I’m writing

And there are words on the page

I write them down

~ for him ~

And I write more words

But I’m scared

I want to ask







This alternate reality is awakening

What is this

Confusion and love all stirred in one

My affection is dangerous

I am sick with pain and grief of heart

I open the book

“You can have a look”

The words lay between reality and dream

He is silent

Heaviness weighs in this moment

Time slows as my heart struggles to keep this speed of love

His rhythm of being is different

He looks at the words

My hearts outpourings on the page

He doesn’t say much

He takes the book from my hands

Closes it

Closes his eyes

Scrunches his eyes

And I barely see the water on his inner lids

His cheeks slightly damp


I softly speak


He is withdrawing

His emotions empty on me

A part of me is scared to show him more

Wondering what he will see

What he will remember

I have never known such

~ intimacy ~

The tears are flowing now

His eyes hurt me

My heart is aching

He speaks

His voice is low


The depth of desire

He carries built up emotion

About to crack

To release the captive love

He doesn’t want my words

I can tell

He wants me

But I can see

He is withholding

There is silence between us

I watch his cheeks glisten

Gawking at the beauty


“How can I not love you?”

Suddenly I see

He is the Word

Time tempts him too

He wants my flesh

But this

These tears

Are pearls of more than physical desire

“Don’t tell me you want this”

He is shaking

Shuddering with grief

I can see how much he loves me

He doesn’t want to force his love on me

He is respecting me

“Don’t reject my love”

He closes his eyes

I don’t know how to respond

I am trying to think through what to say

Process these emotions

I want to cry too

I close my eyes to pray

I can’t


I want to

~ release ~

~ surrender ~

~ trust ~

He knows me better than I know myself

“I can’t love you if you won’t let me”

He is looking at me sincerely

“You know this”

He knows

He knows my hesitation in spirit

My conviction of faith and heart

That I struggle to say yes

Even though I want to

That I forget to receive

He knows there is much more

More to give

More to receive

He knows

And that is why

It tears him apart

~ i am damaged by love ~

This alternative reality has demons

Has temptation

But it still has Him

He has shown me his true self


It is enough

Enough to make me want to love him

To abide in him

To be a part of his kingdom

To allow him to take my burdens on his shoulders

For him to comfort me

To be with me

Growing together 

Sharing together

~ redeemed ~

I am facing him now

I feel weak



~ but ~

He forces me to be strong

He clenches my hands

His warmth transferring to me

I feel the pulse of his love

Christ is coming

His Bride is waiting



Respond from the Heart