no. more. doors.
.
.
.
this heart can’t handle
anymore openings
.
this hallway materialises, morphs
stretching onward with each step
.
these doors with their frames
open, enticing, exciting
.
these doors
slamming in my face
.
.
.
.
and there i go
walking away
a
g
a
i
n
.
.
.
and here i am
back in the hallway
.
each step a leap of faith
.
without faith
surely i would fall through this foundation
.
.
or
bounce off a door
.
.
but Lord
you are the door
.
i’m going to keep walking to you
and trusting in you
.
i’ll praise you in this hallway
.
.
even when all of me wants to
fall, break, bounce away
.
.
you walk with me in these rejections
you guide me in these questions
.
i keep walking up to these doors
realising they’re not ones i want to walk into
.
thank you for your wisdom
thank you for your grace
.
.
help me fix my eyes on you in this hallway
.
.
.
.
i have been waiting, walking, trying, turning, failing, hoping, falling, hurting
.
.
.
.
.
.
yeah
.
i need an extra measure of faith
and
maybe an extra measure of immense patience
.
.
.
because
i’m not sure why i’m still in this hallway
i’m not sure why there are so many doors
so many distractions
.
.
.
.
as i keep walking
there are opportunities to love
to walk with another
to enter into their pain
but i keep ending up in the same place
.
.
my broken hallway
.
.
yeah
.
maybe God has placed before me an open door
or maybe he has placed many doors
.
.
.
.
see
i asked God for clarity
but
he gave me choice
.
.
.
.
.
.
what do i do?!
.
.
.
.
see
when i go to choose
when i go to walk through
to step into the new
.
.
there
the door slams in my face
over
and over
and over again
.
.
.
so i walk away
w o u n d e d
.
.
then
i try again
.
.
.
i think,
surely that was God’s grace
i tell myself,
surely the next door is what he has in store
.
.
.
nope, nope
nope
.
.
.
.
slam
after
slam
after
slam
slam
s
l
a
m
.
.
.
lord, why?
just show me
i can’t keep walking
where is the door?
why are you opening and closing all these doors right in front of me?
what are you doing? where are you taking me?
lord, why?
just show me
lead me by your spirit
.
.
.
.
Last month, the Lord gave me an analogy to help me understand my current season. A season that has been unstable and unrelenting. Months and months of unknowns. Months and months of turbulence. A bundle of painful and seemingly fruitless choices.
Then. God have me a simple analogy. The hallway.
And as I stand in this hallway. I walk up to open doors. I look in. I wait to take my next step. And. Time and time again, it is then – as I get a glimpse through a certain door – THAT is when God slams the door. Right there. As I lean in. BAM. SLAM. In my face. But see. It’s happened SO frequently that the rejection pang is no longer there.
I feel the door, but I believe in THE Door.
I know the Lord is with me and leading me and guiding me in this season of the hallway.
“Doors are about the future … about possibilities [they] intersect deeply with our
desires and involve the mysterious ways in which God interacts with the world” *
Despite the hardship of this hallway, I have slowly begun to share this analogy with others. Maybe because I have no idea how else to explain the season I am in. Or maybe because it’s easier to give an ambiguous answer to questions such “how are you going”, “what’s been happening lately?“…. rather than admitting there is no good answer to that question. Sharing an analogy instead of an answer is interesting, as I have realised that not many of us know how to articulate the seasons we are in.
I wonder whether analogies are a way that we can enable others to empathise with our experience?
After sharing the analogy, two separate people sent me the following quote
(ironically from different sources, one of them was this instagram image):
“Until God opens the next door, praise him in the hallway”
These have been indirect encouragements from God’s heart to mine. Both reminded me that he speaks, that he is always at work, that he moves in and through his people, building up his body by his Spirit. It is interesting though that in these seasons, we always focus on the outer experience/circumstance and not how God is changing/shaping/transforming the inner character.
“Faith tells us that what most needs to be transformed is not our outer world but our inner selves. Faith is not
about me getting what I want in my outer world; it’s about God getting what he wants in my inner world”.*
The comfort for me in this season is seeing God at work, as he reveals and reminds me of his character, as he guides me through decisions, as he intervenes in opportunities. I know that he protects me and provides for me. I know that regardless of my choices, he chose (past tense) to give me Jesus, that I might be certain of this one thing – that I can come before my Maker, that I can know him, that I can be with him forevermore. I know that regardless of my choices, I can call out to him as “Abba Father”. I know that regardless of my choices, I am still chosen in Christ. I know that regardless of my choices, I can live according to his Spirit, as his power is at work in and through me. I know that regardless of my choices, he works all things together for my good until the day of Christ, the day of completion, the day of full restoration. And I know that it is because of him that my choices become more and more aligned with his choices for me, that as I learn to trust him with these choices that he helps me to choose wisely.
Since the Garden of Eden God has given humanity choice. Freedom.
God gives us choices because choice develops character
But character development is painful … and making choices (especially between good things) is a pain. These choices shape us, they help us grow, they reflect our hearts. Each choice has connotations, both positive and negative. And even when we think choices may only impact us, they will always impact others. There are many considerations, many pain points… And while our salvation is secure in Christ regardless of our choices, there are still bad choices. There are consequences to our actions.
Eden is evidence of how humanity can choose to abuse the freedom God has given us.
How we respond to choices, how we respond to the freedom we have been given, will change us. For better or worse. But more, God promises to change us. For better.
Jeremiah 32:38-40– And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me.
Ezekiel 36:26–And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
We see this promise come to life in Jesus. The new covenant bought with his blood. For Jesus is the guarantee of the better covenant (Hebrews 7:22). Jesus redeemed us that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith (Galations 3:13-14). We see that promise in Ezekiel, of the indwelling Spirit (36:26). And we see that promise declared by Jesus in John, as the Father gives the Spirit to us as an advocate (14:16-7,26). And we see the fruit of the promise in Hebrews, as the Spirit testifies to us of the new covenant we have in Christ Jesus (10:15-18). And so we live in the promise. We live by the Spirit. We walk by the Spirit. We keep in step with the Spirit (See Galations 5:25). As the Spirit transforms us into the likeness of Christ, from one degree of glory to another (2 Cor 3:18) … Our hearts are never to be the same!
“God has given to every human being the door to their own heart, and God himself will not force his way in” *
I will be the first to admit that I have certainly put up walls so that others might not force their way into my heart – God included. That’s me: a theft of depth, a fraud of commitment. I know I desperately need his help, as his Sprit transforms my heart and helps me to believe and be at peace with this season as I seek to trust him with my future.
I need him to help me choose him first, to trust him first.
“Better to go through the wrong door with the right heart than the right door with the wrong heart” *
.
.
.
so
.
.
.
i’m still here
but my heart is gently learning to keep walking
.
.
.
so
can i get a hallelujah in the hallway?
.
.
.
( All quotes with * in this post are from John Ortberg’s book:
“All the Places You’ll Go: How Will You Know?”)
