Good morning/afternoon (wherever you are in the world right now!). Here’s to unfiltered thoughts + my [late] in-transit update. Before I capture + convey the cultural elements here in India I want to share some raw anxieties. Hypochondria can be crippling, fears gripping. Oh the shame. But maybe you can relate?

…

the wind blows these trees around me and

i hear the birds chirping and

there are branches breaking and i

imagine

oh, how powerfully i

imagine

one of those branches

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

right there, out of the tree

onto me

i can hear it snapping now

see clearly my bones crushed

hair no longer whipped in the wind

but weighed down

with blood

oh how unruly are these thoughts

what is wrong with me?

do others think this way?

anticipating death

in every waking breath

…

i am not afraid of death

in fact, death is more of an absurd friend

familiar, not foreign

an ever-present reality

a known future in my forever-full-of-unknowns existence

…

when i wake, my departure awaits

fresh on the brain are unfinished fears from last night

before slumber stole consciousness

i was overhyped with awareness

…

my pulse was awfully slow, my veins protruding in wrists and hands

maybe i am dehydrated, i thought

so i had tried to wash away these thoughts

gulp away yesterday

i often only share my beautiful, my lovely

those words that are pleasing to one’s mind

rhythmic, poetic, profound of another kind

these i keep, these i preach

but my heart

it often has another sort of beat

one of despair, a cycle of deceit

lies, lies, oh how they blind

hence my lines, my words, my poetry

are helpless attempts to amend

– or pretend? –

to dwell on what is pure and lovely

preach those truths i need so desperately to believe

because

if i’m honest

there are a whole lot of lies living inside of me

a lot of darkness that continually threatens to enclose me

…

i sit here now, under this tree

sipping my last Australian coffee for a while

i can’t help but notice how

sitting in the shade

the light is more scattered

it’s dancing all around me

the golden flecks with green pockets

the hair of the earth is doing cardio all around me

all i can do is sit a statue of this energy

the grass alive

i realise the power of God at work in and around me

he breathes every living thing into being

he holds every life in his hand

 he fills all he has made

but what strikes me is how he calls

d

e

e

P

…

i walk to the suburb next door, the one with the Italian flavour

i can almost taste the onion and tomatoes as i walk down the streets

there are petals on the ground and kids on vacation

i end up in a coffee store around the corner

waiting for the barista

unable to put my finger on how surreal it is

to be ordering coffee

when in a few hours i will be stuck in the air

remembering the taste of the beans

as i leave i mention that i am flying today

the old Italian man smiles to his ears

he and the young barista boy – probably his son – wish me farewell

so i thank them for the coffee

and i leave in the echo of their comments

“enjoy!”

“safe travels”

 …

i start to trail these streets

unsure how to get to the bay

reminded how connection brings warmth

those Italians made my morning

conversation lightening day

see

when you’re in an empty home, living by yourself

you appreciate these little things

because

otherwise you wouldn’t speak to anyone

you are alone in your own thoughts

stuck inside your head

sometimes that is good, reflection is a friend

but sometimes there are destructive and distorted channels of thought

they steal your joy

but

today i choose to give thanks

i’m thankful for the small gestures of kindness from one human heart to another

in all this

though we may geographically change

and our emotional, physiological and mental states may change

what remains the same is the power of love

it comes back to that simple truth

i am loved

whether or not warmth is exchanged, pleasantries shared

there is One who knows me by my true name

b e l o v e d

though i may change, my identity doesn’t

my relationship with my Heavenly Father doesn’t

i am secure in Christ, a righteousness not of my own

because he so loved

he gave

he saves

…

as i stand and

sit and

wonder and

wander

i marvel not only at this world around me

these people around me

but in His great love for me

His great mercy

in sending His son to redeem

to put right

to restore

i know that nothing can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ

N

O

T

H

I

N

G

no thoughts of despair

no fear of death

no powers or authorities of this earth

nothing can separate me from him

[ Romans 8:38-9 ]

..

“ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”