the air was suffocating me
deep swallows only
each breath worsening
my struggle to breathe, to exhale
without engulfing an inhale
after an hour of hyperventilation
my body started to shutdown
nervous system on fight or flight
i could not feel my fingers
then my arms, then my face
.
mere weeks ago i experienced
the worst panic attack
that i have ever experienced
it left me paralysed for an hour
h y p e r v e n t i l a t i n g
losing oxygen supply
to my brain, my limbs
i ended up on the ground in the airport
in a foreign place, with foreign people
who did not know how to help me
all i managed to muster and repeat
between struggled breaths was:
“i can’t breathe”
a cry for help
if there ever was one
i was crying out for someone
to teach me to breathe again
to help me calm down
so i could think straight
so my body would regulate
so i could breathe normally
my body was overcome
my mind overwhelmed
and my nervous system
was not only unregulated
but in survival mode
the numbness, tingling, shaking
all a sign my body was
feeling threatened, scared
and was shutting down sensation
seeking safety in paralysis
in that moment, all rational thought
was vacant from my me
i had forgotten how to help myself
i knew the therapy
i had experienced
lesser attacks
but in that moment
my mind was empty
there was nothing in my brain
but all-consuming fear
.
unfortunately this recent episode
revealed to me that i have not
overcome my anxiety
it still has a stronghold in my life
and strongholds
need to be broken
the day after my panic attack
i tried to return to peace and stillness
to persuade my heart and mind that i was safe
to re-train my nervous system how to regulate
to assure myself that i know how to breathe
i was in Canberra
walking around the lake
watching glistening waters
listening to birds singing
the previous night was a blurry haze
my trauma response already denying
that the attack had been a reality
i decided to start listening to a sermon
from Bridgetown Church on Matthew 6
while the sermon spoke of greed
i knew God wanted me to hear it
and hear Him speak to my anxiety
“therefore i tell you, do not be anxious
about your life, what you will eat or
what you will drink, nor about your body,
what you will put on. is not life more than
food, and the body more than clothing?”
[matthew 6:25]
after ten minutes of my two hour walk
i decided to pause the sermon and reflect
in this teaching, Jesus both instructs against
and questions the presence of anxiety in our lives
it made me begin to question my own anxiety:
where did it come from?
what was at the heart of it?
why did i feel so unsafe?
what was i so afraid of?
.
Dallas Willard says that anxiety
is a result of living in a reality
where we believe we are alone
our experiences shape and inform
our perception of our reality
the film inception introduces to us
the notion of questioning our reality
but the real question is, who would want us
to have a distorted view of our reality?
the Enemy loves to deceive and tempt us
with subtle, yet distorted truths about the world
the Enemy’s agenda is to lead us to believe
lies about who God is, including
His plan, presence, promises and provision
just imagine the field day that fallen angels
would be having seeking to steal, kill and destroy
God’s work and ways from prevailing in this world
there is a very real spiritual battle
a war being waged for our hearts and desires
but also for our minds and thoughts
the Enemy loves to see lies prevail over truth
he knows a lone thought, a distorted truth
may lead us spiralling into despair
.
anxiety is a force of darkness
but we are not
victims of fear
we are victorious in Christ
over the powers and principalities
of darkness in this world
[ephesians 6:12]
.
i have lived with anxiety all my life
it always threatens to overwhelm
and in those moments of overwhelm
fear tries to take control, to take over
anxiety is a god of fear
when fear reigns in us
it send our nervous system
into fight of flight more
telling us we are not safe
in this world, in our body
when fear reigns in us
we let terror and torment
control our thoughts
this is in contrast to
what scripture calls us to:
to accept Jesus as our Lord
inviting Him to reign in us
putting on the mind of Christ
taking every thought captive
and making it obedient to Christ
.
anxiety is a false god
a thief of the peace
found in God’s presence
Martin Luther regards anxiety
as a practical form of atheism
a failure to trust and believe
Dwight Pentecost calls out anxiety
as a sin according to the scriptures
a sin we often neglect to confess
this is confronting for me
but a part of me also knows:
anxiety is not a part
of God’s heart for us,
just like any other sin
.
Jesus commands us
three times in Matthew 6
“do not be anxious”
he also questions us
“why are you anxious”
and appeals to reason
“which of you by being anxious
can add a single hour to his life?”
and he also rebukes us
“O you of little faith?”
.
Jesus teaches us
the Father heart of God
His provision
His care
His sufficiency
anxiety reveals a failure to rest
in the promises and presence of God
we are called to rest
not in our own rationality
but in the truth of God
we are called to rest
in reverence of Him
the deep knowing
that leads to a mind
of wisdom, not worry
“the fear of the Lord is the
beginning of knowledge”
[proverbs 1:7]
by knowing God, we realise
that He knows all things
He knows our hearts and desires
He knows our thoughts and fears
this knowing invites us
to rely and depend on Him
there is no need for striving or seeking
but instead we are invited to rest in Him
knowing He knows what we need
“for the Gentiles seek after these things,
and your Heavenly Father knows that
you need them all. but seek first the
kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be added to you” [32-33]
.
anxiety also reveals a failure
to seek first the kingdom of God
for seeking after lesser things
does not lead us to peace, but worry
seeking anything other
than His will and purpose
will lead us to worry and fret
for we seek to do things
our own way, on our own terms
seeking and striving
instead of resting
.
our hearts are all
restless with desires
but an anxious heart
reveals misdirected desires
.
our minds are filled
with neural pathways
but an anxious mind
is a deceived mind
where distorted truths
prevail over being
still and knowing God
during my two hour walk
around the Canberra lake
God was redirecting my attention to Him
wanting me to dwell, to reflect, on Jesus’ words
in that moment, it was clear that
God did not want me to listen
to someone else minister and speak
(through a sermon)
but He wanted me to allow Him
to minister and speak to me
(through Jesus’ words)
in my hour of need, as i questioned my reality
and sought answers for my despair, and my
tendency toward desperation and anxiety:
i practiced stillness
in God’s presence
training my attention
to Jesus’ words
asking the Spirit
to correct and reveal
any distorted truths
.
what struck me most from Jesus’ words
in this chapter of Matthew was these:
“look at the birds of the air:
they neither sow nor reap
nor gather into barns, and yet
your heavenly Father feeds them” [26]
“consider the lilies of the field,
how they grow: they neither
toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even
Solomon in all his glory was not
arrayed like one of these” [28-29]
.
as i walked around the lake
there were no lilies in sight
but there were plenty of birds
floating near the body of water
and trees lining the shore
with leaves changing colour
i looked at the birds and felt heavy
walking to relieve my mental pressure
while the birds seemed weightless
.
it was a few weeks later that God
gently knocked on my heart again
as i was gifted with a bouquet of lilies
i was awe-struck at the symbolism
and reminded to return to Matthew 6
to reflect on Jesus’ words again
to allow them to sink deeper
this time i noticed the verbs:
“look at the birds of the air”
“consider the lilies of the field”
these verbs are actions related
to sight, to perspective, to perception
both connected to our way of thinking
here Jesus is inviting us, not instructing us,
to understand the ways of our heavenly Father
He is inviting us to a new way of
thinking, seeing, perceiving
our reality and the world around us
instead of seeking
He wants us to see
but even more, He wants us
to see and understand
we are called to have
vision paired with wisdom
.
i was curious about these verbs
consider (katamanthanō) means to learn deeply,
an intimate kind of knowing, through closely
grasping and understanding something.
in other words, when we are called to consider
something by Jesus, he is asking us to study it,
and to pay careful attention to it, to learn from it.
Jesus uses a rare word in Greek that is connected
to the more common word (manthanō) which we
see in other scriptures, when Jesus asks us to
learn from Him, for he is gently and lowly in heart.
[matthew 11:29]
this type of consideration is not just contemplative,
in an abstract or philosophical sense, but it is relational.
Jesus is inviting us to have a deep and intimate knowledge,
because he wants it to sink deep into our bone and marrow,
to transform the way we live (how we see, think, act).
it made me wonder if there were other examples in the scriptures
where we are called to consider something, like these lilies.
there is a parallel passage that we find in the old testament:
“go to the ant… consider its ways and be wise” [proverbs 6:6]
this led me to realise what God had been revealing to me
a month ago when i went on a walk around my neighbourhood.
at the time, i had decided sit down and watch the golden glow
of the sky before the sunset. i wanted to just sit and be still.
i was asking God want He wanted to show me and to say to me.
but instead of looking up, instead of looking at the gold glow,
i became completely aware of … ants … they were everywhere.
they were moving so fast, all in different directions. some ants were
with other ants, but some were alone and doing their own thing.
the ants that were alone
seemed to be wayward.
my attention had completely shifted to the ants and
it made me realise that God had wanted to show me
and speak to me through these ants, not the sunset.
God was inviting me to practice Proverbs 6:6,
to consider the ants, to consider their ways.
i had reflected on the role of the ant
in giving us, as humans, new perspective.
God was gently reminding me that it’s often
my perspective that needs to change.
and that is just who He is. He is a life-claimer,
a way-maker, and a perspective-changer.
He gives us this invitation to observe creation and learn
His ways, to find wisdom whispered in creation rhythms.
“when i consider your heavens… what
is mankind that you are mindful of them?”
[psalm 8:3-4]
as i started connecting the dots
in the scriptures, i realised the
mental framework God provides us.
He does not only give us Jesus, who
is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
He also gives us creation, which He fills
with Himself, and which displays to us
His majesty, His glory, His care, His nature.
God is so intentional, and longs for us to be still
long enough to see His care and intention,
to rest and abide in the knowledge of His love,
how He sustains all things with Himself.
this invitation to “consider” requires slowness,
stillness, attentiveness, where true spiritual
awakening can occur, our spirit submissive to His Spirit.
a kingdom mindset requires the constant
renewing of our minds before God.
there is much to be learned from creation
the patterns and rhythms of intention
in how God has designed this world, and us.
it’s important to stop, to pause, to slow down
and ask God to show us and speak to us
through His word, and through His creation.
.
consider the lilies of the field.
when we we are called to consider the lilies
this is a deep enquiry, a deep contemplation.
deeper than an invitation to look,
it’s an invitation to learn.
so i decided to sit and bask in awe
at the gorgeous lilies gifted to me.
to notice their beauty anew.
lilies remain closed off from the world,
sealed, until Light invites them to burst open,
to display their gorgeous petals to the world.
inside the lilies are stain-risk nodes,
which need to be carefully removed.
in this we see the delicate tension,
the fragility of beauty as these
white petals of purity boast
stain-risk nodes within that
threaten to compromise her.
purity and impurity are forever
waging war in this world, in creation.
but God intentionally designed the lily
to possess beauty that declares the
truth and reign of Purity, white as snow.
no crimson stain, nothing, will taint her.
what a salvation song the lily sings to us,
full of more splendour we are told than Solomon.
once these stain-risk nodes are removed,
the lily displays a perfect expression of an
outwards posture, an external-facing display.
her petals bend outwards, not inwards.
she reminds me to also look outwards,
beyond my own circumstances and worries.
there is far more, beyond myself.
but it is interesting that she starts closed off,
internal-facing, her petals enclosing her,
protecting her in a cocoon of safety, until
she is invited to spread her petals wide, like wings,
to usher forth beauty into the world around her.
she is so white and pure, and she reminds me that
blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
[matthew 5:8]
how fitting then, that Jesus asks us to consider her,
to notice her, to see her purity, and to in seeing,
seek after, and long, for the purity only He offers us.
for the sin that so threatens to stain, to entangle,
the anxiety that so seeks to overwhelm, to control.
only Jesus, by His blood, cleanses us from our sin,
saving us from the darkness of separation from God.
the lily, her white petals with an external curvature, also
remind me that it is only those who confess their sin, that
tendency to inward dependance and curvature, who will see God.
too much introspection, self-reflection, means we cannot
learn from the lily. for we are not made to be inward-facing,
but made to reflect His glory, His beauty to this world.
her petals, with that external curvature, are another form of wings.
and paired looking at the birds, we see that wings usher forth life.
God gives us all a form of wings:
an invitation to freedom, to life.
look at the birds, he whispers to us.
look at the freedom that can be found.
.
to look is an invitation for our vision.
to set our eyes
to fix our eyes
to turn our attention
to the thing we are asked to look at.
when we look
we start to see
we start to witness the thing
we behold that thing
and so when we are called
to “look” and “consider”
we are being invited:
to see the glory of the Creator,
revealed in creation.
to see the provision that God
has given to the soil, to the earth,
through water, through life,
through the orders and rhythms
of creation, which is growth,
and death that breeds life.
there are intentional rhythms to creation
and these seasons and rhythms
are by design, to allow for growth.
growth does not mean creation just sits
and looks pretty, waiting to be gloried in.
no, when we look onto the field,
and we see the lilies, we are meant
to not just see their beauty, but to see
the powerful intention that God had
to enable her to exist in the first place.
and that is true, not just for the lilies of the field, but
for us. we are asked to train our attention, and our lives,
to see the same, to see God’s intentionality, to see the
created rhythms and order that He has designed into this world,
where life is being ushered forth, and where fruit is being borne.
His intention is Life.
Jesus tells us His Father’s heart,
and why He was sent into this world:
to bring Life, and life to the full.
and what threatens life?
fear (sin), stealing life
fear of death, killing life
death, destroying life
while the Enemy wants to destroy
all life, keeping us in bondage to sin,
and anxiety, which leads to death
God’s design for growth reverses
the narrative. we see that seed
sown must die, before it brings life.
so too did Jesus reveal to us, by
His death and resurrection, that
He is victorious over death.
Life reigns.
anxiety and fear
have no place
where Life reigns.
we see how creation bears fruit in this earth,
and we are called to do the same.
the growth God calls us to is not easy,
and our sin and our independent selves must
be put to death first, if we are to bear fruit.
but this fruitful growth leads to something
that is beautiful and that is to be beheld.
our lives are to be a fragrant offering, like
the glorious scent of the lily. something
that the rest of the world, when they see us,
go, “whoa, look at what the Creator has done!
look at His glory! look at how He worked in their lives!
look at how He brought all things together for good!”
when we look at creation,
we see our Creator.
we see His authorship,
we see His hand.
.
in the old testament we see repeated this call to
“lift up your eyes”, which is, to look upwards with
reverence and awe, to turn our attention to Him.
“lift up your eyes and look to
the heavens: who created all these?”
[isaiah 40:26]
here we see woven throughout the scriptures
the antidote to anxiety: fixing our eyes on the Lord.
we are not called to worry,
but to look to the Word,
that which breathes Life.
.
to look intently (emblepō)
requires our intention and attention.
Jesus asks us to look to the birds of the air, but
where else in the scriptures are we asked to look?
Paul asks us to look to Jesus,
the author and perfecter of our faith.
[hebrews 12:2]
He is the one holding the pen, authoring our story.
He is the one who did the finished work on the cross.
so that if we believe in him, we have Life in his name.
He holds the key
to life and death.
and Life is possible
in and through Him.
He is the one that
we look to and behold.
we see the glory of God
reflected in Him.
we are called to look to Jesus
because we are called:
to look to His life
to find our life in His life
to find our life in Him
and in Him we find:
provision
truth
hope
saving grace
beauty
life
salvation
when we look
to anything else,
what do we find?
we find darkness
we find distress
we find ourselves
in the pit of despair
because the Enemy is prowling
around like a roaring lion,
ready to kill, steal, and destroy,
and he wants to destroy our hope,
he wants to destroy all Life.
he wants death
to prevail.
he wants us
to live lives:
of grief
of distress
or torment
of anxiety
of lies
that we might be distracted
that we might be so downcast
that we don’t look to Jesus
that we don’t find Life
that we don’t find our joy in Jesus
because that is the joy
that does not change
no matter our circumstances
when we find our joy in Jesus
our joy is sure, our salvation steadfast
because we have that saving grace,
and the key to eternal life in Jesus.
His grace is sufficient, despite
our tendency to despair and darkness.
His grace is sufficient, despite
our vulnerability to sin and anxiety.
and so when we look to
the wings in the skies,
and the petals of the fields,
and when we look to Jesus:
we are looking to Life.
.
we are free and delivered from worry:
when we spend time fixing our eyes on Jesus
and on the creation narrative and rhythms,
the design that God has for this world, the
glory that He is revealing to us in and through
His son and in and through His creation.
when we, pure in heart,
behold Him and His glory.
.
we are free and delivered
from worry because we find
faith, assurance, peace, stillness
in His presence and in Him.
it’s when we look at anything else,
and allow our minds to wonder, or
our eyes to wander, to see anything else
… perhaps to see what we don’t have,
… perhaps to see things that aren’t pure,
that’s when we start to have clouded vision.
we are called instead to sing
with the saints of the ages:
“be thou my vision”
we need our sight, our vision
to be transformed.
it not our vision for our lives
that we are to behold,
it is His vision for our lives
and for this world.
when we have His capital “V” Vision for this world,
for humanity, it transforms the way that
we see our lives, that we see the here and now.
this is all about perspective.
this is about the vision and
mindset that God has for us.
He does not want us to be setting our eyes
and fixing our attention on things that do not matter:
in the scheme of eternal life
for the salvation of souls
He has a much bigger heart,
a much bigger plan
a much bigger scale
for His attention, and
where He wants us to be
investing our eyes, our time,
everything that we have.
He has provided a way for us to be delivered
from the worry of the here and now,
and to have the ultimate assurance:
that we do not have to worry about eternal life.
we do not have to worry about death.
pause and think about that:
that is transformational.
if we were to truly grasp that,
to understand that we do not
have to worry about death
how much more then, do we
not need to worry about life?!
we do not have to worry about
our eternal worth and value.
this truly changes everything
because what are we working for?
what value and worth are we striving for
or seeking to behold here and now?
that is temporary
that will pass
that will fade away.
so why would we worry ourselves and busy ourselves
and get all caught up and distressed in things that
are not of eternal worth and not of eternal value?
God has given us this life-changing opportunity
for our eternal reality to be forever transformed.
this is how we know when we are set free and delivered
from the bondage of sin and death, free from captivity
to darkness and delivered into the light, into life in Jesus:
we are transformed.
we are not the same.
we are a new creation.
we renew our minds in Christ.
.
Jesus is our true lily, the only One who is
pure in heart and full of splendour and glory.
to be pure of heart, we need Jesus. only Jesus
can make us as pure and white as snow.
when we have that purity of heart,
we’re able to see God more clearly,
and that is what God wants for us.
He wants us to see Him more clearly,
but also to see His plan, His purposes.
we lose so much sight of His plan and purposes,
when we set our attention anywhere and on anything else.
when we have that purity of heart
and we come to Him and we allow
His plan and purpose to prevail,
His will to be done in our lives:
it is life changing
b u t
it’s not just
life changing for us
this is not a
selfish vision
this is a
whole of humanity vision
a vision that God has:
to set the captives free
to bring orphans home
to save souls
and i don’t know about you
but i wanna be a part of that
it is when we partner with God
in His vision
that we are on mission for Him
mission and vision are
the alignment of our
“why” and “what”
to his “why” and “what”
and what does God as us to do?
not to worry about the “how”
to return to, reflect on,
the “why” and “what”
He is calling and inviting us into
and i don’t want to let anxiety
have a stronghold in my life anymore
.
i’m writing this for me
i need this truth
to sink so deep
into my bones
and into my soul
because i am so tired and done
with being completely debilitated
and overcome by anxiety in my life
i have been sent to the grave by anxiety
and i want so much to be delivered from this
and i truly believe that the only way
that we can be delivered from this is by
training and setting our attention on Him
looking to the scriptures
seeing what God is
commanding us to do
instead of worrying
looking to creation
looking to His works and ways
looking to Him
and not just looking
considering
deeply, intentionally
seeking to understand
Him and His ways
responding
to Him in faith
receiving His grace
allowing His Love
to drive out fear
that will set us free
xx
