the gravity of the cross is something
i will forever be learning
as i attempt to grasp the weight
and significance of Christ crucified

the cost
the pain
the cup

i fear i will never fully grasp
the passion of the Christ
the cruciform shape of my Saviour

the cross that He bore in my place
the nature of His grace towards us

His crown of thorns
His nail-pieced hands

our resurrected King

.

“what kind of power-love did it take
for You to hang on that cross
and listen to them mock You
when You were making a way for them
to have redemption and eternal life?”

[francine rivers, and the shofar blew]

.

there is a tendency
that i identified
in myself this week:

to carry a cross
that is not mine to carry

to carry a cross
that has already been borne

.

so in this post, we will explore
the difference between
the cross of condemnation
and the cross of Christ

we are not called
to carry a cross
of condemnation

“there is therefore no condemnation
for those who are in Christ Jesus”

[romans 8:1]

when Jesus calls us
to deny ourselves
to take up our cross
and to follow him

we are called
to take up, to carry
the cross of Christ

the cross that represents
his Name, his Victory

so first, let us explore this
cross of condemnation

in order to do this
it’s important to explore

what made me realise
this was the cross i carry

.

i have had a long track record
of being incredibly hard on myself

my worst critic
my secret enemy
my harshest voice

unfortunately this leads to

self-blame
self-punishment
self-hatred

which is probably why the
self-love movement thrives

because i’m sure we all have
this inner critic, to an extent,
that we struggle to tame

some say that self-punishment
is our inner critic taking control
and directing rage towards ourselves

.

here are some of the ways that rage
materialises in the way i punish myself:

i punish myself
through restriction of food

i punish myself
through excessive exercise
walking endless kilometres

i punish myself
by working through lunchtimes
or overtime if i perceive i am “behind”
or taking too long on a task

i punish myself
by trying to convince myself that
a high pain tolerance is a strength

i punished myself
in dating by believing my singleness
was because i was not pretty enough

i punished myself
in school if i received anything less
than an A+ for an assignment

i punished myself
in tennis if i lost even a point
let a long a game or match

.

historically, i have punished myself
in relation to food and exercise
as a legacy of anorexia nervosa
and it’s sibling, anorexia athletica

i would overexercise
as a form of punishment

excessive workouts, strain, movement-loads
all to try and override or compensate for eating

this was driven by a guilt
associated with consumption

.

but it was not this that led to my revelation
that the cross i carry is one of condemnation

the veil lifted on my own dysmorphic thinking
when i realised that i have been punishing myself
for our infertility struggles and barrenness

this is what truly uprooted
this unhealthy system
of behaviour and belief in me

.

i mentioned recently that:

barrenness felt like brokenness
barrenness felt like failure

the reason i have been feeling this way
is because i have assumed there is/was
something wrong with me or something
wrong in what i am doing or not doing
that is contributing to our barrenness

i have taken the blame upon myself

even though there is

no blame
no fault
no reason

this is incredibly complex to try and articulate
but i had believed my barrenness was self-inflicted

when tests revealed no underlying issues, i had
wondered whether God was not blessing us with a child
because i did not have enough faith, or obedience

i had punished and blamed myself
for our inability to conceive
by trying to control my faith-response

i truly wondered, “if i just believed more,
then God would bless us with a child”

if i just trust more
if i just wait better
if i just surrender harder

how distorted!! yet it was so subtle
and i did not see a problem
with turning my attention to God

but i missed the motive

i was blaming myself, and punishing myself
assuming that we were not pregnant because of my unbelief

after wrestling with this for months

the blame shifted from spiritual to the physical

i blamed myself
for my past – my eating disorder,
that may be preventing us from have a child

i blamed myself
for my love of red wine and lifestyle choices,
that may be preventing us from having a child

i blamed myself
for not having a laparoscopy over a year ago
when it was first offered to me
that may deliver surgical interventions to remove
what may be preventing us from having a child

i blamed myself
for not balancing my hormones, not getting enough nutrients,
and so i tried to regain control over my hormone health

the bottom line is
i blamed myself

tell me why
i feel the need
to punish myself

when Jesus faced the most unbearable punishment
excruciating pain, which, means ‘out of the cross’
an anguish so deep that only crucifixion could elicit it?

tell me why
i feel the need to inflict pain on myself?

where did this need come from?

is this not a subtle way
the Enemy deceives us?

.

“the divine plan has been revealed as the kingdom by way of the cross,
Satan’s counterplan is also revealed: the kingdom without a cross”

[jeremy treat, crucified king]

.

the Enemy loves to convince us
the cross was not enough
and that we still have to pay
for the consequence of our sin

.

as Emu Music sings
“there’s no more to pay”

the lyrics echo this reminder:

“why would i hide in the dark
as if i’m still in chains?

shouldn’t my conscience be clear?
didn’t my Saviour bleed?

His grace is enough for me

… who will now try to accuse?

now that I’m washed
in his blood i am free”

there is one
who tries to accuse

there is one
who tries to deceive

there is one
who will have us believe
that blaming ourselves
and punishing ourselves
is what we owe

.

the Enemy wants us to operate

from self-condemnation
from guilt and shame

because he wants us to fixate and focus
our attention on self-condemnation,
punishment, blame and vicious cycles

because then he can prevent us from living
in the freedom and grace found in Jesus

i had fallen for that deception
and lost sight of the cross

instead of looking at the wrath held by my loving Saviour
which he begged with bloody tears to pass from him

i was looking at myself, and carrying a cross of condemnation
that the Enemy wanted me to think was a holy path

but Jesus has not asked us
to take up a cross of condemnation

no.

He carried that cross for us.

what He does ask us, is:

to deny ourselves
to stop looking and blaming and focusing on self

to take up our cross
to carry the weight of the work He completed on the cross
and take up another form of cross, which is, a cruciform life,
that will see us encounter judgement and persecution from
those in the world who do not know Jesus as their Saviour

and, to follow Him
to let Him lead us into a place of grace, not condemnation,
where He leads the way to eternal life, where we will be found in
the love of our Father, not a need for the world’s love and acceptance
.

i have been carrying the wrong cross

so i needed to lay down that
cross of judgement, wrath and condemnation
and take up the cross of Christ

but it is a battle, because when
we take up the cross of Christ
we will meet another kind of
persecution and humiliation that
comes from the world when they:

see how we follow Jesus

see how we worship and
believe in him as our Saviour

see how we live on mission,
for our Father’s business,
for His kingdom here on earth

.

when we take up the cross of Christ
the world will see how we live and
the Enemy will try to stop us and
prevent us from fixing our eyes on Him

how does he do that?

by leading us to believe
that the cross of Christ

is not enough
is not worth it

this is the sneaky, subtle way
the Enemy tries to deter us from
even proclaiming and living from
a place of grace in the first place:

he tries to place the weight
of sin and death on our shoulders

he tries to remind us
of our guilt and shame

he tries to get us
to carry our cross of sin and death
when it has already been carried (!!)

how dare he?!

.

“if the way you’re walking doesn’t have crosses, afflictions,
persecutions, and self-denial, you’re not on Christ’s way.”

[ann voskamp, waymaker]

don’t take up crosses of condemnation
don’t self-inflict your afflictions
don’t self-deny as behaviour avoidance

take up the cross of Christ
and learn self-denial from Him

.

so i am setting down the
cross of condemnation and
taking up the cross of Christ

the cross that already paid the price
the cross that conquered sin and death
the cross that declares victory to the world

that is the cross i carry

and this cross comes with blood
but it also comes with freedom, redemption
it is a cross borne in Jesus’ name

a cross that commands repentance
a cross that seals redemption

a cross that calls us to grace
not to condemnation

as soon as i noticed this pattern
of condemnation in myself

i was convicted in the way that
i assign punishment to myself

in reality, i am “playing God”
taking on His role as Judge,
by inflicting a penalty on myself

this is a deviation from the
courthouse view of God
that sees Him as a harsh Judge

instead, it is a deceiving insertion
of myself in the “harsh judge” seat

and of course, in this place
it is impossible to operate
from an identity of grace

we can understand the root cause
by looking at our belief system

for me, it was fundamentally a belief
that somewhere along the way formed
into a lie about my identity and worth

if we do not believe
we are worthy of grace
then this can lead to us
inflicting judgement
on ourselves (and others)

.

to dive further into how we end up
taking up a cross of condemnation

we must understand legalism

legalism by definition are false spiritual systems that
teach us that we need to add spiritual acts onto the cross
of Christ in order to find a right standing before God

under this legal principle, we are governed by a
form of religious perfectionism that focuses on
performance and behaviour modification/avoidance

i had unknowingly been buying into a false spiritual system that
taught me that i need to add spiritual acts of condemnation, wrath
and punishment onto myself in order to find right standing before God

this is a governing principle that focuses on consequences to
perceived failure to obtain perfection of my own accord

i allowed guilt and shame to drive my behaviour response and performance,
because i believed the lie that i still needed to atone for my own mistakes

how haunting, to think i have so
underestimated the power of the cross
and the cost of the cross to Jesus

i could never atone
of my own accord

so why do i try??

God’s approval is not won through
behaviour management or religious perfection

God does not look favourably on me
if i atone for my own sin before coming to him

no.

God’s acceptance is through the cross
God’s approval is found in Christ

if we are seeking approval in others
or seeking to prove ourselves
we are not receiving and dwelling
in the identity given to us

but of course, in order to understand
this gift of atonement and new identity
we must acknowledge the reason why
Jesus needed to die to atone for our sin:

“we must remember that God is a God of Justice to consequences to sin:
this means that we must never condone unrighteousness
or wrongdoing or sinful behavior. we must remember that
it was precisely because sin was so serious that God’s own Son
had to die a painful death on a Roman cross to win our forgiveness.”

[ajith fernando, reclaiming love]

notice the language here?

it is not about needing
to atone unrighteousness but
that we should not condone
sinful behaviour and evil

for there is a consequence

a punishment for evil and sin
a judgement on wrongdoing

there is vengeance
on pride and wickedness
on all evil under the sun

there is not enough space
in this post to do justice
to the topic of God’s justice

but to lightly touch on this:

God is on mission to triumph
over all evil on this earth

we see throughout all the scriptures
examples of partial justice
localised experiences of God’s justice

but we know that one day
God will bring justice
to all the evil on this earth

His people have cried out to Him for generations
to not forsake them to the wickedness of this world

“rise up, o judge of the earth;
repay the proud what they deserve!”

[psalm 94:2]

God is the judge over all
and His wrath and judgement
is towards all that is evil

we all have evil within us, which is why God
could not answer the pleas of His people
without giving all the opportunity
to accept and receive Jesus
as the atoning sacrifice for our evil acts
the punishment we all deserved
but were delivered from by His blood

if we accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour
we are judged in the body of Jesus on the cross

there is a second judgement, which is for all those
whose judgement has not been punished in Jesus death

so the question is – are we allowing the evil
judged in the body of Jesus on the cross
to be the final say on judgement in our lives?

or do we believe that Jesus’ death
on the cross was not enough?

if we don’t believe, that is where
the second judgement will come in

.

but the takeaway is not to fear judgement,
or to punish ourselves for our wrongdoing,
or to evade the wrath of God in shame

the truth is in the beauty of our formidable saviour,
the shelter and justice He offers His followers

Jesus died on the cross because God will punish justice

the cross is not just a symbol of love, but of justice
and holiness, and a symbol of his judgement of evil

this is the weight, the gravity, i am still learning to grasp

“Christ bears away the sin of the world by taking
responsibility for it, suffering for it and, eventually, dying for it”

[donald macleod, christ crucified]

Jesus took the responsibility, He bore the punishment

“He drinks the cup so that we should not drink it;
is cursed so that we should not be cursed;
is forsaken so that we should not be forsaken;
is condemned so that we should not be condemned” [“]

we should not be condemned

for Christ condemned sin in the flesh [romans 8:4]

and so it is not our role
to punish or condemn sin

or to cast judgement on
ourselves, or another

we are to receive
grace upon grace

to rest in the shelter
of our Saviour’s blood

the precious Lamb
slain in our place

we are to seek justice in His name
that others may know of this salvation
worshipping Him as Lord over all evil

He is Lord of justice and wonder and love

.

“unless our sins are remitted, God’s anger is inevitable,
but before they can be remitted they must be expiated.

Christ, by his blood, is that expiation, the place where
sin is atoned for, and where God meets with us and speaks
to us, justifying those who put their faith in Jesus Christ” [“]

.

God showed His love for us in this:
that while we were still worthy of
punishment, condemnation and judgement
for the evil and sinful nature we all have
He sent His one and only Son

to die in our place
to suffer in our place
to be punished in our place

being saved by Him
from the wrath of God

[romans 5:8-9]

we have already started exploring
the cross of Christ, which carries
with it a new identity in Christ

this cross secures more than redemption
but establishes a new birthright
a new identity as co-heirs in Christ

.

“redemption from sin includes redemption from
its power as well from its guilt, and if the
death of Christ actually saves it must secure
not only forgiveness but a change of heart” [“]

we can be free from that power of guilt
and delivered by the power in His name

but as this quote reveals, salvation is more
than just deliverance from guilt, but
deliverance into grace, into a new identity

“the whole purpose of redemption is to make way for spiritual
adoption; the whole purpose of atonement is to make a way for
attachment, literal at-one-ment, God one with us in our sufferings.”

[ann voskamp, waymaker]

.

this is our identity
we are no longer slaves
of guilt and shame

not broken
not punishable
not condemned

but we are adopted

our identity is

chosen
ransomed
redeemed
sons and daughters
co-heirs

we were bought at a price
the price of Jesus’ blood
a price that means
there is no more to pay

His blood is enough
to seal grace and adoption

we have redemption in His blood
and in him we have obtained an inheritance
the guarantee of which is the Spirit
until we acquire possession of it

[ephesians 1:7-14]

this is truly the unimaginable
power and promise of the cross
that i will forever be learning

so how do we process this?

how do we receive this
undeserved gift of grace?

we respond as children
coming into our Father’s house

we respond as children
understanding our status
as adopted and loved
as dependant on our Father

we respond as children
learning from our Father
and listening to Him

there are many rooms
in our Father’s house

and so instead of wallowing
in guilt and shame and condemnation
what does He want us to focus on?

welcoming others into His adopted family
bringing our brothers and sisters home to Him

He wants us to share of His love and nature
that all God’s beloved, all humanity
may receive this status, and have this opportunity
to repent, to return home, to receive grace

“what kind of love the Father has
given us, that we should be called
children of God, and so we are”

[1 john 3:16]

the justice we are called to
is a personal, intimate kind

we are called to respond to a relational justice
a reconciliation and restoration to God

but there will also be justice for all of creation
restoration to God, and under God

“He has told you, O man, what is good:
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice and to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God”

[micah 6:8]

we are also called to partner with God in justice
in His plan for eternal justice over all evil

.

so what should we do

if the Enemy tries to
deceive and accuse

tempting us to believe a lie
instead of our identity in Christ?

we can learn from Jesus

Jesus received identity confirmation
from His Father during His time on earth

at his baptism
at his temptation
at the transfiguration
in the garden of gethsemane

in these moments God confirmed to Him
who he was and what His mission was

we can also receive identity confirmation
in our identity in Christ
by turning to the scriptures, to the Word

where we remind ourselves we are:

co-heirs in Christ
sons and daughters
of the most High

and we can sing these truths

“i am who you say i am” [hillsong]

.

the mathematical formula
found in the Case for Christ for
adoption into God’s family is:

believe + receive = become

to finish, we need to understand
not just the new identity we receive
in the cross of Christ, but also the
kingdom reign proclaimed in the cross

i really love how Jeremy Treat does not
divorce the kingdom and atonement

so critical to understanding the cross, is understanding
God’s kingdom, His rule and reign and power, and
His divine plan to bring all things under his feet

Treat goes so far as to say that it’s at the cross
that we see the establishment of His kingdom rule

“the kingdom entails God’s deliverance from foreign
oppressors and for the realm of God’s new creation”

[jeremy treat, crucified king]

God has delivered us from the oppression of sin and death
– so that we are no longer slaves, but children of God –
and into a new created order, a new kingdom rule

the troubling reality is, that if i am punishing myself
and taking up a cross of condemnation, then that
means i am allowing something or someone else
to have rule and a voice of authority in my life

under God’s rule, the punishment is paid
under God’s rule, oppression ceases
under God’s rule, there is freedom

and so that only leaves the Enemy
as the culprit for why i would be so deceived
as to allow a false belief system to rule my life

because at the core of this conceited system
is the suggestion that i am not worthy
of belonging and acceptance in God’s kindgom

the Enemy loves to make us
question our identity, our place,
in the kingdom of God, and in God’s family

if the Enemy can make us question our worthiness
then he can make us question our identity and worth

the question of who is ruler in our life
is a scary thought, because of how subtle
the Enemy’s tactics are at trying to take rule

but how did the Enemy start to rule
the kingdom of this world?

“Adam, who had been created in the image of God to rule
over every beast of the earth [genesis 1:26, 28], had failed
at his task and was now ruled by the craftiest of all the beasts.” [“]

God entrusted humanity with ruling
but the Enemy’s deception led
to another rule being established

we are slaves to the Enemy’s rule
this is the kingdom of darkness
that we see at play in this world
ushering forward violence, evill

this is why Jesus needed to redeem humanity
because we had fallen slave to a false ruler
who does not care about our eternal worth
but instead, wants us to be enslaved to his kingdom
which is seperate from God’s plan for eternal salvation

“Satan is the serpent-king who rules through
temptation, deception, and accusation — resulting in death.

Jesus is the servant-king who rules through
obedience, truth, and suffering — resulting in life.” [“]

this truly exposes the lie
of the cross of condemnation

it all stems from the accusation
and the attack of the Enemy
waging war on our identity

but we have been given a weapon for this battle
of kingdom warfare with powers and principalities

Tyler Station spoke to this on a recent podcast:

“we can wage war against the principalities
and powers oppressing us. we can overturn
the lies that we’re prone to believe. we can
take our stand against the devils schemes by
the very weapon Jesus promised will be on the
back of everyone of his followers […] a cross,
a willing death to my false self, that the strong
version of me, that has their life quite manageable
…i can show up to a community and crucify that lie
week after week through the practice of confession”.

. 

so let us stand firm against the Enemy
putting on the armour of God
ready to fight against his schemes
to steal, kill and destroy

.

the essential theological doctrine
that i have explored today is
substitutionary punishment
which is, Jesus receiving the penalty,
the punishment for sin, in our place

however, it is important to note that the cross
goes beyond just substitutionary punishment

to a much larger narrative
God has woven into humanity:

the victory the cross represents the spiritual battle,
that wages in the powers and principalities of this world

it is not just a substitution, but
an eternal reckoning of who has
kingdom authority and reign

this is where the term Christus Victor
which is a Latin phrase, is powerful,
because it seeks to communicate a
theory of atonement whereby the
death and resurrection of Jesus ushers
forth a victory of power and dominion,
a triumph over evil (sin, death, the Enemy)

this theory of atonement reveals that
the cross was far more than a legal symbol
of justice, but a kingdom symbol of war

Jesus’ death and resurrection proclaim not only
freedom and deliverance from death and sin,
but freedom and deliverance from the powers
and principalities of this world that promote evil

we do not only need deliverance from the evil
in this world, but from the evil within us:

the tendency toward sin that entered into the world
and into humanity, because of the temptation of the Enemy

we all have evil tendencies within us, that we may
allow and invite to rule and have dominion in us

so we must resist the devil
we must actively fight
in this ongoing spiritual battle

knowing that the victory
is ours in Christ

knowing that in the spiritual realm
He has made a way for us
to enter into His kingdom

and as we wait for Jesus return
we pray as He taught us to pray:

“Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven”

[matthew 7:10]

His kingdom is who He is (King)
and what he does (reign)

we have a role to play in advancing
His kingdom here on earth, through
the Spirit, continuing Jesus’ ministry

when Jesus returns
He will reign over all

the Enemy will no longer
have a foothold on this earth

.

so come, Lord Jesus, come

Your will be done
You kingdom come

.

end note: an extreme form of self-condemnation,
blame and punishment that I speak of in this post
is what manifests for those who self-harm. if you
notice unhealthy patterns of thinking and self-hatred,
self-punishment in someone, please check-in to see
if they are getting support and counselling to work
through their self-directed rage and unruly inner critic.

xx

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