“for an absence, for someone who was never there at all,
we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness.

for those who deeply want children and are denied them, those
missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives.”

[laura bush]

…

God knows how to work
with empty tombs and empty wombs
with barren lands and barren bodies

the barren season is a wilderness
a desert place of thirsting, yearning
of mirages and prayers for miracles

…

it seems wrong to share
this part of my story
without the happy ending

but both infertility and fertility
are sacred spaces
to be held together

there are many who walk
the path of fertility struggles
in silence, in solitude

a l o n e

it can feel helpless
there is despair

and there is also
a fire in the belly
not the fire of life
b u t
an opposing force:

a n g e r

there is a hatred
towards those who
are able to bear
the gift of life
with ease
without pain
without struggle

why her?
why not me?

are common questions
in the heart of the barren

i am ashamed to admit
that this anger
has boiled in my blood

but i realise that my anger
is misdirected
when directed towards
the expecting mother

no, this anger is not for them
for the lucky ones
for the ones blessed
with the miracle of life

this anger is for God

why her?
why not me?

…

for a long time i have known
that barrenness might be
a part of my story

it is as though God prepared me
for this by making me aware
many years in advance
that barrenness would be
a part of my story

but knowing, expecting
this barren reality
does not make
the reality less unbearable

you live your life
in two week increments
time enters a warped state

your body betrays you
sending you signals
hormonal cryptology

there is sense of failure
in the inability to bear fruit
the unproductive womb

…

recently i needed to step away
from social media (instagram)

because my own grief
after a year of trying to conceive
had overwhelmed me

i follow many mothers online
who i could not bear
to see posting about their children

many, complained
many, unknowingly cursed their children

it made me angry

why them, lord?
why them, who curse the gift?
why not me?

but in my heart i knew it to be true
that i too have a tendency to complain
over my circumstances

it is in human nature

but complaining
is dangerous

when we complain
when we begrudge

we curse, not bless

like a sister at church said
to me, complaining is a cancer
that threatens to spread

so i stepped away
from the trigger
of blessed mothers
cursing their children
of expecting mothers
rejoicing in their miracles

explaining nothing
to my followers
except the line:

“remember that you may be living
the unanswered prayer of another”

i should preface before we go any further
that i will speak interchangeably
about infertility and barrenness

i use these terms to reflect
seasonal barrenness
the state of an unfruitful womb
the journey of trying to conceive (TTC)

for clarity, while i have not been
“diagnosed” with barrenness
when you are unable to conceive
after one year of trying (at my age)
this is medically defined as infertility

of course, this can be temporary or permanent

in my instance, i pray only temporary

…

there is such gentleness
that needs to be held
in order for the barren
to find beauty in her grief

losses, monthly misses
hopes crushed, body distrust
murdered dreams, bloodied prayers

each month is endless
a cyclical never-ending
reminder of the barrenness

barrenness feels like brokenness
barrenness feels like a failure

as a woman, is this not
what i was made to do?
why can i not do it?

…

as i said, even though
God had prepared my heart
years in advance
for my barrenness

it did not soften the
ache of emptiness
the sorrow of “not now”

waiting on the Lord
trusting his timing

the waiting season
of barrenness is painful

there are many well-meaning
sentiments shared
if you dare to open your heart
to another of your fertility struggles

there is the well-intended case studies,
examples of those who were lucky
little stabbing reminders to your heart
that should be reassuring (you are not alone)
but that feel agonising (you may not be so lucky)

each story is so different
each circumstance unique

we tiptoe on the graves
of women who have carried
this burden of barrenness

…

there is also the classic statement that
“when you stop trying, you will conceive”

believe me, in my heart
i gave up many times
i surrendered many times

i think what people mean when they say this
is to stop tracking, to pause the stressful nature of TTC

the ovulation tests
the negative pregnancy tests
the two-week cycles

but when you hear these words
it feels like they are telling you to

stop hoping
stop expecting

and that when you stop
then you will receive

stop and receive
stop trying, do nothing

this is a religion
of false promises
wishful thinking

and deeply problematic
and traumatic to hear
when you are on the receiving end
of trying for over a year

please never tell someone this

because you are giving them
another reason
to label themselves a failure

failing when trying
failing without trying

at the end of the day
it makes you feel like a failure

instead, the more helpful responses
are not to focus on the lack, the empty

but to turn towards the beauty
not a promotion of false hope
that will be met with disappointment

but to turn to
God’s promises
God’s truth
God’s presence

to fill the barrenness with
that which provides sustenance
to the empty, yearning soul

even this sounds cliche
it sounds too good to be true
well-meaning, but not enough
to send the darkness trembling

to find beauty in the barren
is to fill the empty with hope

hope is a dangerous thing
hope is a scary thing

what if God fails me?
can i turn to Him in this?
can i trust Him in this?

in barrenness
hope is terrifying
but expectation
monthly disappointments
monthly tests and trials
is not hope

of course
this type of “hopefulness”
only leads to disappointment
and greater degrees of grief

there is only one hope
that can anchor the soul
that can find us in the midst of the storm
and speak peace to our restless desire

“she considered him faithful
who had promised”

[hebrews 11:1]

these words are spoken of Sarah

Sarai and Abram (Sarah and Abraham)
are another case study that can be unhelpful
if used as a throwaway comment

“remember Sarah and Abraham”

it’s interesting because many people
only seem to remember that they were barren
and that, by the power of God, were able to conceive

but the true beauty and comfort in this story
is not found in the miracle of conception, but is
found deeper between the lines in the Scripture
where humanity bleeds through the pages

Sarai and Abram were not perfect in their faith
they were not delivered from barrenness because
of their hope and trust that God would provide

Sarai asked Abram
to bear a child
with her servant

this is a sign of a desperation
a woman so driven by fear that
she would not give her husband an heir
that she would ask her servant
to bear a child by her [gen. 16:2]

but what did it lead to?

conception? yes
but of course, then came
the seed of bitterness

Sarai hated her mistress [16:4]
for being able to conceive
when she was not able

this is the part of Sarai’s story
in which the barren woman
can find a soul-sister who has
shared in her suffering and pain

there is the humanity, the similarity
in experience to those of us today

as we wrestle with desperate measures
and anger towards those who are
able to bear the gift of life that we cannot

the beauty of this story is twofold:

for God does not overlook the mistress
but shows kindness towards Hagar
sending an angel and blessing her

Abram, renamed Abraham, was ninety-nine when God
promised Sarai, renamed Sarah, would bear him a child

Abraham laughs at God
he does not believe him!

the Lord then appeared later, and asked after Sarah

“i will surely return to you about this time next
year, and Sarah your wife shall have a son.”

[genesis 18:10]

Sarah overhead this, and we are told
the way of women ceased to be with her

in other words, by physical means, it was impossible
for her to conceive a child

and Sarah too, laughs at God
she does not believe him!

she, like me, like many others
gets to the point where

it seems impossible
it is a joke, an insult

to suggest or speak hope
in the place of helpless despair

it is safer to harden the heart, to
secure it away from the softness of hope

barrenness can turn to bitterness
when we learn this pattern

protection of our hurt
covering our shame

infertility leads us to hatred and bitterness
of those expecting mothers
who are blessed with this miracle we desire

we curse anything and anyone
because we feel cursed

but God’s invitation
in the brokenness
in the bitterness
in the barrenness

is to trust
is to live “by faith”

which sounds and feels
just like the other
well-meaning sentiments

but there is truth, to uncover
beauty, to be discovered

faith is, in it’s nature
unseen
without proof

infertility requires faith
hope and assurance
without evidence
without guarantee 

God was asking Sarah
to believe without proof

God asks us to do the same
in the little and big things

God says to Abraham “why did
Sarah laugh and say ‘shall i indeed
bear a child, now that i am old? is
anything too hard for the Lord?”

in seasons of wrestling, there is
the tendency to come to God with
our questions, as we long for answers

here, God is the one asking the question,
a pointed question, straight to our hearts

is anything too hard for the Lord?

our answer, informs our heart posture
our answer, reveals our belief in Him


do i believe that nothing is impossible,
nothing is too hard for Him?

do i believe that God
is the giver and sustainer of life?

do i believe God, when he
speaks of generations in the galaxies
miracles more vast than the stars?

do i believe that the One
who cast the stars in the sky
can cast hope and life?

do i believe that he is
the miracle-worker?

do i believe that fruitfulness
is a command from him?

my story of barrenness
begins in the decision
to oppose life
to deny life

so how dare i desire life

how dare i want to be a mother
when i did not honour the life
that my own mother bore?

at thirteen, the way of women
had already greeted me
but when i started
opposing life
starving myself

and was greeted with the
threat of hospitalisation
a life-threatening diagnosis

i lost the way of women

i had departed and
betrayed my body

and in turn, it is as though
my body betrayed me

the way of women left me
for eight years

it was only in my early twenties
that i returned to the
red tent ritual of my moon sisters

only then, did the possibility
to bear life return

only then, did it occur to me
that there was the potential for
my barrenness to be redeemed

but a part of me knew
for all of my twenties
that there was a risk

there was a potential
that the damage done
to my body
was irreversible

that the way of women
had been gone from me
for so long
that i may not
be able to bear life

how dare i
want to carry life

when i did not choose life

…

but i still held onto hope
that God is a God of the impossible

God is a redeemer of that which
was once dead

declaring life in His name
i still held onto hope
(and still hold onto hope)

while wrestling with
the reality of my body

my husband knew
when he married me
my fear
but he believed God
at His word
there was no question
no doubt
that God would not provide
us with a child

to this day
he has held such faith
although i have questioned

“what if i cannot bear a child?”

i have wrestled with the alternatives
questioning what God wants for me
grappling with what it means to
steward and love the life entrusted

…

i am older than my mother 
and the mothers before me
when they had children

although the world would not call me
too far gone when it comes to fertility
there is no generational evidence for me
that it is possible

this is why faith is necessary
when there is no evidence
when there is no proof or guarantee

faith is the assurance
of things hoped for
confidence in what
is not yet seen

…

after six months
of breaking down
repeatedly

lamenting

“i can’t do this anymore” 

i finally made the call
to see a fertility specialist

i had left the referral
for nearly four months
before finally calling the clinic

it felt like failure
it felt like i wasn’t
trusting and believing God
would work a miracle

was i not trusting his timing?
was i being impatient?

seeing a fertility specialist
felt like a betrayal to God
that i was not coming under him
but submitting to the system
and to medical intervention

but after the appointment
i felt such peace and assurance

of course, God is the miracle-worker
He can correct medical issues
He can work the miracle of life

but i also need to see medical intervention
as His provision, His intervention

He is enabling life, the miracle
through the treatment and system
that is available to me today 

and so God is teaching me again
to trust Him in this
to allow Him to work in this

He is faithful

there is beauty
in barrenness

the beauty of
patient, quiet hope

the beauty of
dependant faith

in the absence of life
He is the only life to hold onto

where lies and fears and doubts and despair
threaten to overwhelm my soul
His truth is the only comfort

in my countless tears
He has comforted me
He has reminded me of His nature

He is life
He is nephesh

the One who ushers
forth living beings

in the middle of last year 
i remember praying
for a miracle
as i did every month

i was driving on the freeway
and the storm clouds were dark above me
they felt heavy, like my soul, like my body

my body had been truly betraying me
all of last year, i had pseudo pregnancies

basically, this happens when your desire
to be pregnant leads your body to act as though it is

everything spirals, the hormones, the trying
accumulating into foreign symptoms
and sensations that seem as if you’re pregnant

so on that stormy day i was heavy, and hoping
but when i saw the storm clouds
i was reminded of God and His nature

i saw, emerging in the storm clouds a rainbow
out of nowhere there was colour, life, hope

God was gently reminding me
that He keeps His promises
that He is present
that He sees me

even though there were storm clouds
threatening to enclose that hope
He was reminding me to turn to Him
to be reminded of Him, where hope
and true light and colour and life is found

and this is the only antidote that has helped my heart
to hope despite the empty days, weeks, and now year

the beauty in the barren
is His promises, His life

He speaks truth to the mind that is tormented 
He breathes life to the barren, empty places

i could succumb
to despair
to doubt
to distrust

or i can surrender
to His promises
submit to His will

His truth
His hope

of Sarah it is said, “by faith she
received the power to conceive”

this, is a promise i am claiming

i am declaring this truth to my heart:

Lord, i believe You will give me the power to conceive
Lord, conception is a working of Your power
Lord, give me the power to conceive
Lord, breathe life and love into my womb, into my body
Lord, strengthen my faith, to trust in You
Lord, You are faithful to your promises
Lord, i consider You faithful

i have declared blessing over my barrenness
that God will bless my womb, my body with life

on the cross, Jesus became the curse
he bore in his body the curse of sin and death
that we may enter into the blessing of life

this is the truth, the beauty of barrenness

barrenness is not a punishment
barrenness is not a curse

let’s enter into the beauty:

everything You have created brings life to dry, barren places
you created trees to provide shade, water to provide life
vines and sprawling bushes to create canopies on the ground, to cover the dirt 
flowers, perhaps unnecessary, for the delight of beauty and hope and sweet fragrances 

everything You have created has a purpose
everything You have created has life

You are the Author of Life
You are Life

all of us are barren, to an extent
all of us have a wasteland within us
if we are not found in the Lord

life is empty without him
life is barren without him

so where do we find
the beauty in the barren?

we find it in Him

xx

watch the behind the scenes of this blog here