Sometimes I dream intense dreams.
The kind of dreams where you wake in the early hours of the morning.
I’ve had a few of those this week.
And I’m still recovering. Still suffering.
From lack of sleep. From processing through writing.
So here’s to some emotional 5-AM ramblings
…
…
…
I’m in some alternative reality
Where I’m moving between worlds
Here people associate themselves with the enemy
~ and ~
I’m letting them near
I’m getting emotionally attached
And it’s dangerous
And it’s seductive
They’re showing me things
…
The Forgiven One is there
Showing me a tsunami on this slice of paradise
~ an isle of idols ~
We sit there behind these hills
And her pen is poised
She is waiting
Ready to watch the ocean wrap over
Over the people in front of us
Over the beach
So we’re waiting
~ until ~
We’re watching them be consumed
And she captures it
Then she asks
If another one will come
…
We detach ourselves from destruction
We distance ourselves from disaster
We are bystanders of death
Why do we fear drawing near
When salvation is possible
Instead of speaking
Instead of moving
We sit and watch
…
We don’t even say
~ goodbye ~
..
There are others in this alternative reality
We are all waiting to go somewhere
So I play with them
Wanting to be a part of it
But I am aware that I need to go
…
So I put on my robe
The shiny one
Then I hide face
Here there is fear of another kind
We fear showing our naked selves
…
I want to say something
But we’re running late
I’ve been fooling myself
~ time tempts me ~
…
Suddenly
I find myself deciphering the code
Are we children of chaos
Or is sonship beyond sight
I doodle in my dark monsoon past
Words in watercolour
…
He is there
He comes over to me
He sits next to me
~ waiting ~
Not saying anything
…
This alternate reality has demons
So I am fighting
Battling
And it is so hard
…
~ trust issues arise ~
…
I don’t know enough for me to trust
Do I truly know his heart?
Why did he open himself
Why did he give himself
Do I know him?
If he is safe
…
He left
Will he return
…
Can I keep loving him?
…
So I’m writing
And there are words on the page
I write them down
~ for him ~
And I write more words
But I’m scared
I want to ask
Why
Who
What
When
Where
Why
…
This alternate reality is awakening
What is this
Confusion and love all stirred in one
My affection is dangerous
I am sick with pain and grief of heart
I open the book
“You can have a look”
The words lay between reality and dream
He is silent
Heaviness weighs in this moment
Time slows as my heart struggles to keep this speed of love
His rhythm of being is different
He looks at the words
My hearts outpourings on the page
He doesn’t say much
He takes the book from my hands
Closes it
Closes his eyes
Scrunches his eyes
And I barely see the water on his inner lids
His cheeks slightly damp
“Hey”
I softly speak
But
He is withdrawing
His emotions empty on me
A part of me is scared to show him more
Wondering what he will see
What he will remember
…
I have never known such
~ intimacy ~
The tears are flowing now
His eyes hurt me
My heart is aching
He speaks
His voice is low
“No”
The depth of desire
He carries built up emotion
About to crack
To release the captive love
He doesn’t want my words
I can tell
He wants me
But I can see
He is withholding
There is silence between us
I watch his cheeks glisten
Gawking at the beauty
“Stop”
“How can I not love you?”
Suddenly I see
He is the Word
…
Time tempts him too
He wants my flesh
But this
These tears
Are pearls of more than physical desire
“Don’t tell me you want this”
He is shaking
Shuddering with grief
I can see how much he loves me
He doesn’t want to force his love on me
He is respecting me
“Don’t reject my love”
He closes his eyes
I don’t know how to respond
I am trying to think through what to say
Process these emotions
I want to cry too
I close my eyes to pray
I can’t
But
I want to
~ release ~
~ surrender ~
~ trust ~
…
He knows me better than I know myself
“I can’t love you if you won’t let me”
He is looking at me sincerely
“You know this”
…
He knows
He knows my hesitation in spirit
My conviction of faith and heart
That I struggle to say yes
Even though I want to
That I forget to receive
He knows there is much more
More to give
More to receive
He knows
…
And that is why
It tears him apart
…
~ i am damaged by love ~
…
This alternative reality has demons
Has temptation
But it still has Him
…
He has shown me his true self
And
It is enough
Enough to make me want to love him
To abide in him
To be a part of his kingdom
To allow him to take my burdens on his shoulders
For him to comfort me
To be with me
Growing together
Sharing together
~ redeemed ~
…
I am facing him now
I feel weak
Broken
Fragile
~ but ~
He forces me to be strong
He clenches my hands
His warmth transferring to me
I feel the pulse of his love
…
…
…
Christ is coming
His Bride is waiting
